Sunday, 9th May 2021

Are you allowed to have sex? Take Matt Hancock's quiz

WITH casual sex off the table, how can you be sure you’re allowed to jump someone’s bones? Find out with this quiz by health secretary Matt Hancock.

How long have you been with your current partner?

A) 15 long years, each more sexless and dull than the last.

B) About seven seconds. That’s only if they were definitely making eyes at me in the pub and not just staring into space in my direction.

Do you have coronavirus?

A) Yes. I use it as an excuse to get out of having sex instead of saying I’ve got a headache.

B) No. I test myself 12 times a day so I can show potential dates that I’m clean and ready to bang at a moment’s notice.

How many people are you currently seeing?

A) Two. My life partner and the thought of their hotter best friend who I mentally picture whilst tossing myself off in the shower.

B) Zero. But if we count however many videos there are on PornHub, 12 million.

Do you live with your potential sexual partner?

A) Yes, but we sleep in separate rooms because the spark has gone, and also we hate each other.

B) No, I’ve moved back home with my parents and now I feel traumatised.

When did you last have sex?

A) On a foreign holiday where there was no threat of quarantine. So at least six months ago.

B) Does with myself count? If so, 30 minutes ago.

Mostly As: Congratulations! You’re in a monogamous, passive-aggressive relationship so you’re allowed to have sex, even though you can’t be arsed with it.

Mostly Bs: You sound like a single, strapping young buck who’s in the prime of life, but it’s not worth the risk. Sorry. There’s a chance you might start getting handjobs through a plastic curtain by 2025 but don’t quote me on that.