Artificial Heart Patients Will Have No Soul, Admit Docs

PATIENTS who are given artificial hearts will lose their soul, doctors admitted last night.

'The operation went well, though strictly speaking you are now basically a robot'

Experts said the device could give patients a normal life expectancy, but it will be an empty life devoid of love, laughter and tears.

Dr Tom Logan, a soul specialist at St Thomas's Hospital in London, said: "Their eyes will become blank and lifeless and they will speak in a dull monotone.

"They will never frown or smile or laugh, not even at that bit in Only Fools and Horses where David Jason falls through the hatch.

"On the upside they will be able to watch Gilmore Girls and the High School Musical trilogy without wanting to kill absolutely everyone involved. And many of them will make excellent lawyers."

Dr Logan added: "We have experimented with pig hearts but that just left the patient with the soul of a pig, which I suppose is better than nothing but you do spend an awful lot of time thinking about mud and truffles.

"We hope eventually to be able to transplant an artificial soul at the same time. Microsoft have some terrifyingly interesting idea about that."