Barefoot running just the sort of mental thing we wanted, say fitness freaks

TRENDY barefoot running is the perfect combination of misery, showing off and pain, according to exercise fanatics.

Running without footwear supposedly improves performance, although the key benefits to fitness obsessives are proving how hard they are and making people stare at them.

Marketing manager Martin Bishop said: “I first got into barefoot running when I wasn’t getting the same buzz from telling people about my 10-mile runs in trainers.

“Now when I say I go running on pavements in bare feet everyone stares at me in awe. And when I describe the horrific foot injuries I’m prepared to endure they look positively sick with envy.

“But the real sense of achievement is when you’re running along in obvious discomfort and you know people are looking at you and thinking, ‘Wow, what a consummate athlete!’

“It’s definitely not some weird, masochistic attempt to prove how tough I am. I just happen to like running with bits of glass and gravel unnecessarily stuck in my feet.”

Fitness coach Emma Bradford said: “Barefoot running is more natural because it’s what our palaeolithic ancestors did, although by that logic you shouldn’t cover your genitals or go to a dentist.

“I’d recommend it to anyone who doesn’t feel queasy just thinking about tearing a toenail.”

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Adele gig confirmed as worst place to be on drugs

AN ADELE concert is absolutely the worst environment in which to take mind-altering drugs, it has been confirmed.

34-year-old Stephen Malley grudgingly accompanied his wife Susan to the first date of the singer’s tour, where he decided to alleviate his boredom with a tab of LSD.

He said: “At first it was pretty good. She did Rolling in the Deep just as the acid started to kick in and I got goosebumps.

“Then she began chatting about how she always needs a poo before going on stage. Was this really happening?

“Panicking, I looked for a fire exit but there was a sea of spiky mum hair in every direction – they looked like thousands of poisonous plants.

“They were drinking out of those big plastic wine glasses that have tinfoil on top. Definitely nobody else was off their head.

“Now I was properly tripping out and Adele was still chatting on about going to the soft play centre with her kid.

“I hallucinated that she had two bulging Lidl bags on stage, and was taking Kinder Bueno bars out and throwing them into the crowd. Maybe it actually happened? I passed out then and woke up in the car.”

Susan Malley said: “The atmosphere was amazing, especially when she had the whole arena chanting ‘All men are bastards’. I don’t see how you could not enjoy that.”