Badgers get testicle-biting training from honey badger

BADGERS faced with further culls have received combat training from a grizzled honey badger.

Ferocious Africa-based honey badger Wayne Hayes has travelled to the UK to advise his cousins on how to fuck humans up.

During a meeting in a secret training sett, Hayes said: “Human testicles are located, as you may expect, between their hind legs.

“The trick is to run at them in a zig zag pattern while snarling. Use your foreclaws to gain purchase on their trouser fabric, then scrabble towards the genital area.

“Then you bite, twist and pull. Bite, twist and pull.”

Badger Tom Booker said: “I was always taught to shy away from humans unless trapped in a garage. I’m not even sure I want testicles in my mouth but I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures.

“That honey badger is mental though, I just saw him eat an adder like it was a liquorice stick.”

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Wetherspoon Sunday roast was family’s last shred of respectability

A FAMILY has gone feral after learning that Wetherspoon pubs will no longer serve roast dinners.

The Hayes family would gather weekly at their local Wetherspoon and pretend to be a functioning social unit.

Wayne Hayes said: “That black gravy was the glue holding this family together. 

“Of course I’d be getting drunk and slurry by two in the afternoon but that roast told everyone that we were a decent, normal family like in an advert for dishwasher tablets.

“If anyone ever questioned my parenting skills I had a trump card in the form of a dry Yorkshire pudding, the inside of which looked like a spider’s web.”

Faced with the terrifying possibility of cooking a meal for a family of four, Wayne and wife Cathy have opted instead to shed the thin veneer of respectability and live as beasts in a local wood.

Cathy Hayes said: “From now on instead of sitting down as a family together every Sunday we’re going to roam the streets of the city turning over bins and scavenging any sustenance we can find.”