Pellegrini tells City to shove their cup

MANUEL Pellegrini has confirmed that Manchester City can stick the League Cup up its backside.

Following the club’s win over Liverpool Pellegrini said: “I am delighted for me, obviously, but the rest of the club can go take a jogging fuck at a rolling bin for the next thousand years.

“This applies especially to the players, who showed today that they can do their £100k-a-week job when the mood takes them, and not just once their boss has been given his P45.

“Now if you will excuse me I’m off home, I have some people viewing my house, which I am having to sell due to those horde of arseholes I just mentioned.”

Meanwhile, the trophy cabinet of the Etihad stadium has been extended by 3,000 square feet in anticipation of Pep Guardiola’s ascent from heaven.

Pellegrini added: “I wish Pep all the best in his two and a bit years at the club before they decide he’s also too small for them and they want Jesus or Godzilla instead.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

DiCaprio’s face frozen in self-satisfied smirk

DOCTORS are fighting to remove the smug half-smile from Leonardo DiCaprio’s face, it has emerged.

The Best Actor Oscar winner called an ambulance at 5am after being unable to return his facial muscles to a neutral position.

Surgeon Tom Booker said: “Years of looking pleased with himself have caused Leo’s face to lock into an expression of extreme self-satisfaction.

“It’s very painful and although the face says ‘I really am the shit’ if you look closely you can see the cold terror behind his eyes.”

Doctors are using a combination of deep tissue massage and telling him the The Great Gatsby was really quite poor.

Booker said: “Leo seems to have a charmed life of having sex with models in a massive house full of gold trinkets. But all he really wants is the ability to do the pissed-off facial expression of a normal person opening their fridge to discover there’s no milk.”