An extra day of February, how f**king fantastic, says Britain

BRITAIN is absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of its favourite month of the year. 

The leap year means the month which combines all the cold of winter with all the rain of spring, lasts a whole 24 wonderful hours longer.

Carolyn Ryan, from Hull, said: “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if this month would ever fucking end, and now it doesn’t have to. I literally can’t convey my joy.”

Employers have confirmed that nobody will be getting an extra day’s salary, which many have described as ‘the icing on the cake’.

Stephen Malley, from Peterborough, said: “There are people who say, ‘Hey, June has but 30 days, let’s have our leap year day then instead.’

“Are they crazy? There’s already too little of February, the month which has everything from perpetual darkness to paying off your Christmas credit card bill.

“Plus women can ask men to marry them, a gesture of weary despair perfectly attuned to the month it’s in.

“If I had my way February would be two months long.”

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Bacon works on Muslims like garlic on vampires, claims racist

A RACIST believes pork products can cause Muslims to burn up and crumble into dust.

Martin Bishop, from Croydon, has written to his MP suggesting the military applications of gammon, pork and ham should be explored as a matter of urgency.

He said: “There are already drivers smearing bacon fat on their lorries to deter migrants, and the only issue is the constant spontaneous combustions can keep them awake.

“But we should be hanging up bacon crucifixes at Tube stations to deter terrorists, giving our policemen pork belly body armour, and issuing the public with sausage guns.

“They’re basically Nerf guns that fire sausages. Harmless fun for innocent Brits; deadly to ISIS.

“I myself carry two slices of honey-roast ham in my jacket pockets at all times, so if it comes to a throw down with a terrorist I can deliver an instantly explosive punch.

“Sometimes on the way home, if the terror threat level’s moderate or below, I eat it.”