Being a bit chunky is all we've got left, says Britain 

BRITAIN has responded to a new anti-obesity drive by insisting that being a bit ‘roly-poly’ is all it has left.

Public Health England has ordered manufacturers to cut portion sizes ignoring the fact that Britain’s ‘jolly waistline’ is now the most important aspect of the country’s national identity .

Norman Steele, from Shipley, said: “I went to Majorca last year. The place was swarming with Germans but I was the fattest bastard around that pool.

“That is who we are. The Spaniards are lazy bastards, the French are dirty buggers, and there’s no way the Italians are ever going to have any respect for women. They’re not changing, so why should we?”

He added: “I am rotund but happy. When I suffer a massive heart attack in the street on the way to Greggs, I’ll die with a smile on my big shiny face.

“Eat up your chicken dippers, Jason. You’ve got another lot coming.”

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Women only multi-task because no other bugger does anything

WOMEN are forced to do at least six things at a time because no one else actually does anything, it has been confirmed.

Research has revealed the ability to do multiple tasks at once is a skill acquired from years and years of having no choice.

Emma Howard, from Leeds, said: “There’s this convenient myth that women are genetically designed to be great at multi-tasking so therefore they should do all the stuff. This is bullshit.

“The only way I have time to work, take care of the kids, cook, clean, keep fit and wash all the bloody laundry is to do a fuckload of jobs at the same time.

“Even when I have sex, I’m planning what to make for the kid’s tea while doing my tax return.

“It’s not like I want to feed a baby while having a piss, checking my emails and hoovering. I just don’t have a choice.

“I am fucking knackered.”