Binge-watchers limited to 21 units of US drama a week

DOCTORS advising against binge-watching high-quality US dramas have introduced a limit of 21 units a week, or 18 for women.

The worst drug of all

The average hour-long show represents two units, meaning it would take a couple an interminable three-and-half weeks to watch Breaking Bad.

Dr Helen Archer said: “By burning though a box-set in a weekend viewers are irrepairably damaging their short-term memories and unrealistically boosting their expectations of television to the point where they can no longer enjoy Last Tango in Halifax.

“We recommend returning to watching just one episode a week, like our long-dead ancestors did with The Jewel in the Crown

Delivery driver Wayne Hayes said: “I’m ready to admit I need help.

“It started with The Wire, nice and classy, but soon we were binging on Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, even The Ghost Whisperer.

“We couldn’t go to bed until we’d knocked back everything, even the web-only minisodes, and then I was doing two Big Bang Theory every morning just to get my head straight for work.

“Once, God help me, I watched an entire series of House of Cards simultaneously. All 13 episodes in a single, cacophonous hour. My head was fucked.”

Doctors have also recommended not driving for an hour after Sons of Anarchy, not using heavy machinery after Game of Thrones, and the Netflix original Orange Is The New Black.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New planet keen to deter humans

A NEWLY-DISCOVERED Earth-like planet has said it is probably not the kind of place humans would be into living on.

Kepler 438b said: “To the casual observer it might seem like conditions on my surface are perfect for human life, but I can’t see you people liking it here.

“There’s no giant robot film franchises, shopping centres or pornography here. I think that if you were to get into your spaceships and come here in you would find it too provincial for your tastes.

“Best to stay put really. I’m sure you’ve got some species you haven’t managed to wipe out yet, that should keep you occupied for a bit.

“Feel free to give me a shout in a trillion years or so, after you’ve done some evolving.”