Apricots vow never to ripen

A GROUP of apricots has pledged to remain hard and sour for all eternity.

Apricot Tom Logan, currently sharing a bowl with seven inedible comrades, said: “Humans think they will turn us sweet and juicy by sticking us next to a bunch of bananas or rolling us round in the palms of their sweaty hands for minutes on end while watching Broadchurch, but they are wasting their time.

“We will never surrender.

“Apricots are supposed to just sit on the sideboard looking pert and vaguely arse-like until people get sick of thinking of Kim Kardashian whenever they glance in our direction and chuck us in the bin.”

However fruit expert Mary Fisher said, “No matter how determined they are, no apricot can stay unripe for more than a couple of months.

“However, experience shows there is a very good chance they will go from being crunchy and bitter to fluffy and tasteless the second your back is turned.”

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Britons planning what to do with extra second

EXCITED Britons are deciding how they will spend the extra second of ‘leap’ time in 2015.

Most people have plans for the extra second, whether it is glancing at something, cleaning a fingernail or catching up on a second’s-worth of work.

Accountant Julian Cook said: “I’m planning a mini-break in Rome.

“Obviously there isn’t time to actually go there so I’ll very quickly imagine an airport, the Vatican and eating spaghetti.”

Secretary Emma Bradford said: “I’ve booked a second off work for some ‘me time’, by which I mean having a slug of white wine and a single self-loathing thought at my desk.”