A GROUP of apricots has pledged to remain hard and sour for all eternity.
Apricot Tom Logan, currently sharing a bowl with seven inedible comrades, said: “Humans think they will turn us sweet and juicy by sticking us next to a bunch of bananas or rolling us round in the palms of their sweaty hands for minutes on end while watching Broadchurch, but they are wasting their time.
“We will never surrender.
“Apricots are supposed to just sit on the sideboard looking pert and vaguely arse-like until people get sick of thinking of Kim Kardashian whenever they glance in our direction and chuck us in the bin.”
However fruit expert Mary Fisher said, “No matter how determined they are, no apricot can stay unripe for more than a couple of months.
“However, experience shows there is a very good chance they will go from being crunchy and bitter to fluffy and tasteless the second your back is turned.”
