Boots to include Covid tests in Meal Deal

HIGH street pharmacy Boots is to start including lateral flow tests as part of its lunchtime Meal Deal.

Following the government’s announcement that lateral flow tests will no longer be free after April 1st, Boots has confirmed that they will become one of the options in the deals popular with office workers.

A Boots spokesperson said: “Worried you’ve got Covid? Then instead of a high protein herby chicken wrap with your crisps and mango juice, simply pop a test into your basket..

“You’ll be saving money on the standard retail cost when you bundle your test with a packet of Sunbites and a Cherry Coke Zero. And thanks to their low calorific content and absence of edible food matter, they’re one of our healthy choice options.

“To keep the tests consistent with the rest of the meal deal products, we’ll do our best to make sure they’re confusingly labelled. Even if you check and double check, you won’t be certain that you’ve got a valid combination of items until you’re scanning them.”

Shopper Mary Fisher said: “Lateral flow tests taste of nothing, leave me hungry and make me gag all afternoon. I can get the same result from an egg and cress sandwich.”

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Short woman with big umbrella turning pavements into human bowling alley

A SMALL woman with a massive umbrella is loving scattering people into gutters as she strides down pavements, she has confirmed. 

Lucy Parry is sending people tumbling left and right as she cuts a swathe along crowded pavements on rainy days, simply by holding her umbrella at exactly the right height to have their eyes out.

She said: “At five-foot-one, my experience of height is mainly not being able to see anything at gigs and having to buy children’s sizes, so you’ve got to take the perks where you find them.

“I love it when it pisses down. I get my golfing umbrella out and cause absolute havoc. People end up sprawled on the floor, clutching at their faces as if I’d just taken a razor blade to them, Peaky Blinders-style.

“The best bit is no-one can touch me for it. Who could get angry with a tiny lady who is simply trying to keep her hair dry? It’s the perfect crime.”

Pedestrian Ryan Whittaker said: “If she was just a tiny bit smaller I could squish her under my shoe and end her reign of terror.”