BRITAIN has launched its annual health kick with a pledge to keep it going until Friday.
As franchised gymnasiums made their profit for the year, millions took out a direct debit they will maintain long after they remember who they are and what they actually enjoy doing.
Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “I’ve taken out a subscription to the BodyTronic FitnessZone.
“I’ve had an introductory assessment with a man called Derrick. There’s loads of different machines and classes like Delt Bubble and Street Squash, and there’s a juice bar and… no, this is pointless.
“It’s just a big, noisy, mirrored room full of c**ts. I’ll go three, maybe four times before cancelling the direct debit and spending the money on the world’s greatest chair.”
Government health advisor, Roy Hobbs, said: “We have to go through the process of encouraging everyone to exercise even though we know that the only ones who really enjoy it are sexually frustrated dentists and people who would otherwise be heroin addicts.
“Would you like a leaflet?”
Teacher Nikki Hollis added: “New year, new me…. oh fuck this shit. Fuck it right in the ear. What am I doing? If you don’t like fat girls then fuck you. I’ve got a bath and a nice, big candle. You’re nothing in comparison.
“Take your shallow face and your tiny penis and stick it in some bitch who thinks you’re funny.
“Then again I have bought these trainers that light up.”