Britain Signs Up For Vorderman's 28-Day Piss-Drink Detox

AS millions of Britons begin their New Year detox, a record number of health conscious consumers are signing up for a month-long regime of drinking their own urine.

Despite absurd claims by underqualified foreign doctors that piss-drink detox diets have no effect, Carol Vorderman's 28-Day Piss-Drink Detox™ looks set for another record breaking year.

The Vorderman plan, priced at £112.40, is now the most successful in a long list of celebrity piss-drink regimes, including the Tony Benn Way®, Danni Minogue's Magic Bottle™ and Sting and Trudi's Rainforest Piss Festival®.

Under the Vorderman detox, you can eat a normal daily diet of chocolate and pork. But instead of coffee, alcohol or a soft drink, you force down a pint of your own juice.

For an extra £129.50, well-heeled consumers can upgrade to the Platinum Club™ giving them access to the exclusive Vorderman Piss Vaults®.

A spokesman for Vorderman Industries™ said: "Carol has been storing her urine in one gallon demi-johns since the late Nineties.

"In fact, we now have 57 air-conditioned Portacabins™ sitting in an industrial estate in Macclesfield, stuffed full of Carol's golden fluids."

Platinum Club™ members will receive a one-litre bottle of Vorderman piss which they should use to top-up their own three or four times a day.

The spokesman added: "Carol Vorderman's 28-Day Piss-Drink Detox™ not only helps those who desperately need to drink piss for about a month, it's also a tremendous boost to Carol's ongoing appeal for £50 notes."

 

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Britain To Ignore Binge-Drink Warning For 4000th Year In A Row

THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.

With more than 500,000 people a day being admitted for alcohol related conditions across the UK, research has revealed that consumers are becoming increasingly determined to stop reading depressing stories in the Daily Mail about binge-drinking.

Meanwhile experts say the sharp increase in hospital admissions comes just two years after the introduction of Britain's 24-hour drinking laws and is incredibly boring.

They have also revealed that the greater availability of cheap alcohol means more people are buying it and drinking it, while continuing to not care about the implications of it in any way, shape or form.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of research at the Institute for Studies said: "The people of these islands first started ignoring warnings about heavy drinking during the early Bronze Age.

"Tribal elders would gather the community together and tell them that excessive enjoyment of fermented berries was undermining bronze production and leaving them vulnerable to attack from a varied assortment of angry Goths, and such like.

"Typically, they would all nod, look serious and mumble something about responsibility and how their brother is on his final written warning, before heading over to Tharg's Stone Age Theme Bar for 12 pints of tree juice and a violent argument about the size of their beards."

Meanwhile in his new year message to the people of Britain, prime minister Gordon Brown said something about us all enjoying ourselves, but not too much, blah, blah, blah.