Britain sleeping in fridge

THE entire population of the UK has moved downstairs to sleep inside the fridge.

The move took place initially because the fridge was the only place in the house cool enough to sleep in, but is increasingly seen as just handy.

Condiments, drinks and vegetables have been moved aside to make room for a duvet and pillows.

Tom Booker of Northampton said: “You want a drink? They’re right there. You want some of this leftover KFC? Just reach out your arm.

“The light stays off while the door’s closed, and that annoying buzzing noise it makes? You can’t hear that from inside.

“I snuggle up to this avocado, which I’ve grown close to during the three years it’s been in here, suck on a bottle of wine like a dummy, and drift off to a peaceful sleep knowing I’m close to everything I love.

“I don’t know why I didn’t do this years ago.”

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Tube carriage reveals shocking treatment of human livestock

HUMANS are being transported across London in crammed, sweltering underground carriages, it has been revealed.

Onlookers reported seeing the herd animals, including infants and grey-bearded geriatrics, squeezed into the underground compartments so tightly their dumb, helpless faces were pressed up against filthy glass.

Human rights activist Emma Bradford said: “These humans spend their lives shipped back and forth to offices, until eventually they weaken and are shot to become kebab meat.

“In these underground containers they have no breathable air and are immersed in the fetid stench of each other’s steaming bodies.

“There’s no dignity in the way they’re being treated. Boris Johnson should be banned from keeping humans.”

Six-month old veal calf Tom Logan was shown a picture of the Bakerloo line during rush hour. He said: “No fucking way.”