Britain To Ignore Binge-Drink Warning For 4000th Year In A Row

THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.

With more than 500,000 people a day being admitted for alcohol related conditions across the UK, research has revealed that consumers are becoming increasingly determined to stop reading depressing stories in the Daily Mail about binge-drinking.

Meanwhile experts say the sharp increase in hospital admissions comes just two years after the introduction of Britain's 24-hour drinking laws and is incredibly boring.

They have also revealed that the greater availability of cheap alcohol means more people are buying it and drinking it, while continuing to not care about the implications of it in any way, shape or form.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of research at the Institute for Studies said: "The people of these islands first started ignoring warnings about heavy drinking during the early Bronze Age.

"Tribal elders would gather the community together and tell them that excessive enjoyment of fermented berries was undermining bronze production and leaving them vulnerable to attack from a varied assortment of angry Goths, and such like.

"Typically, they would all nod, look serious and mumble something about responsibility and how their brother is on his final written warning, before heading over to Tharg's Stone Age Theme Bar for 12 pints of tree juice and a violent argument about the size of their beards."

Meanwhile in his new year message to the people of Britain, prime minister Gordon Brown said something about us all enjoying ourselves, but not too much, blah, blah, blah.

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Campaigners Welcome Plan For Free-Range Pensioners

MILLIONS of demented British pensioners are to be released from their cages thanks to a new electronic tagging device.

Campaigners, including Help the Aged and Age Concern, said the tags would help Britain comply with new EU regulations designed to end the scandal of overcrowded pensioner sheds.

Tom Logan, deputy director of Age Concern, said: "For years the UK pensioner industry has kept old people in rows of tiny cages because it made so-called 'economic sense'.

"But their natural instinct is to range over a wide area, looking for things to eat, covering themselves in dust and emptying their bowels on fresh grass."

He added: "Over the years we have been able to release hundreds of old people and allow them to roam free and follow their natural instincts.

"Unfortunately many of them do have a tendency to roam into Currys and claim to be having lunch with Katherine Hepburn."

Mr Logan said the new tags would allow free-range OAP-keepers to leave doors and windows open, safe in the knowledge that if a pensioner does roam too far they can be quickly caught, sedated and returned to their big chair in front of Deal Or No Deal.