Britain To Ignore Binge-Drink Warning For 4000th Year In A Row

THE dramatic increase in the number of people being hospitalised for excessive drinking is set to be ignored for the 4000th year in a row.

Experts believe this 3000 year-old cave painting depicts Carlisle town centre on a Friday night

With more than 500,000 people a day being admitted for alcohol related conditions across the UK, research has revealed that consumers are becoming increasingly determined to stop reading depressing stories in the Daily Mail about binge-drinking.

Meanwhile experts say the sharp increase in hospital admissions comes just two years after the introduction of Britain's 24-hour drinking laws and is incredibly boring.

They have also revealed that the greater availability of cheap alcohol means more people are buying it and drinking it, while continuing to not care about the implications of it in any way, shape or form.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of research at the Institute for Studies said: "The people of these islands first started ignoring warnings about heavy drinking during the early Bronze Age.

"Tribal elders would gather the community together and tell them that excessive enjoyment of fermented berries was undermining bronze production and leaving them vulnerable to attack from a varied assortment of angry Goths, and such like.

"Typically, they would all nod, look serious and mumble something about responsibility and how their brother is on his final written warning, before heading over to Tharg's Stone Age Theme Bar for 12 pints of tree juice and a violent argument about the size of their beards."

Meanwhile in his new year message to the people of Britain, prime minister Gordon Brown said something about us all enjoying ourselves, but not too much, blah, blah, blah.