Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

Experts insist a minimum price per unit is the only way to reduce Britain’s alcohol consumption, while other experts claimed the first lot of experts may not have spent very much time with actual people from Britain.

As the National Institute for Clinical Excellence became the latest organisation to pull down its fly and urinate purposefully into the warm summer breeze, people across the county said they were excited by the prospect of making dangerous booze from the top two inches of whatever happens to be in their bin.

Tom Logan, an enthusiastic amateur from Stevenage, said: “I really want to be able to make a premium strength vodka from all the fat-drenched carbohydrate I couldn’t quite manage to squeeze into my greedy, irresponsible face.

“It’ll be like Scrapheap Challenge, but for getting utterly fucking hammered.”

Peterborough-based inventor, Julian Cook, said: “I take a large mixing bowl, fill it with used bath water and throw in half a bag of sugar, half a bag of pearl barley, a squeeze of Mr Muscle and the zest of a medium-sized lime.

“Then I stick it behind the fridge for 72 hours, periodically lifting off the scum with a fish slice. I call it Alkazar’s Magic Whisky.”

He added: “I have to say, the idea that some bespectacled bureaucrat typing away in his little cubicle is going to try and stop me from hitting it like a bastard is actually rather sweet.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “I always taught my pupils the value of observing other cultures, so I am going to spend this summer in Ireland, travelling from village to village and learning the art of distilling alcohol from left over bomb-making equipment.”

And Bill McKay, a crazy dreamer from York, added: “I’d love to have a go at that stuff they brew up in rural India that leaves everyone in the village completely blind.

“I could claim incapacity benefit and spend all the money on rum. I’d be sitting there in my badly neglected underpants, blind as a bat, swigging a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and composing unimaginably dirty songs about fat, greasy prostitutes.

“Then again, I’m not sure I’d want a career.”


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m fed up with being taken advantage of at work. For some reason, my boss thinks she has the right to give me tasks to do every day, and constantly expects me to turn up to work on time and stick to deadlines. I’ve thought about talking to HR, but they’re about as useful as a tampon in a monastery. Should I just report her to the police?

Dear Abigail,
Don’t bother complaining to me about getting pushed around by your boss: you should try living with my mummy and daddy and then see how you feel. They’re always forcing me to do horrible things like tidy my room, do my homework, or eat every last scrap of their disgusting broccoli. Last night, all my friends were going down to the quarry to see a dead cat and poke at it with a stick, but I wasn’t allowed to go because my parents are cruel and don’t care about my welfare. So while everyone else was having unforgettable fun playing with a festering animal corpse, I was stuck in front of Watchdog with my flatulent granny who goes on and on about some war and how I should be grateful for broccoli because all she got for her tea when she was my age was a raw potato dipped in tea. So the short answer is yes, you should phone the police immediately.
Hope that helps!