AS cold and flu season takes hold across the nation millions of sufferers have been told to use a hanky or just fuck right off.
Workplaces are now in the grip of constant sniffing, ranging from brief but repetitive 'tidy-up' sniffs to long, rattling, fluid-ridden stomach churners.
Wayne Hayes, deputy director of the Health and Safety Executive, said: "You may think it's not your fault that you've got a cold, but it is. So – for the love of God – just buy a packet of FUCKING HANKIES.
"As you sit there sniffing all day, you're not just dripping germs, you're making everyone hate you.
"They no longer see you as simply a colleague with a cold – you have now replaced Edmonds in their darkest, most violent torture fantasies.
"Don't get me wrong. You're allowed to blow your nose as often as it takes. I can live with that. We can all live with that.
"But here's the thing: You can only blow your nose if you get off your pathetic, under-qualified, shit-at-your-job arse and BUY SOME FUCKING HANKIES, YOU TWAT."
Hayes added: "Wandering about the office all day with that sorry fucking look on your face. Sniff, sniff, sniff. Just fuck off, you total bastard."