JAMIE Oliver's recipe for free-range chicken roasted with garlic and chestnuts has won this year's 'bad sex' book award.
Now in its 14th year, the prize is awarded by the Literary Review to highlight the difficulties of writing about quivering members, supple thighs and endless spasms of forbidden pleasure.
The TV chef triumphed over Norman Mailer's Two Old Homosexuals, Ali Smith's Girl Meets Horse and Nigella Lawson's Summertime Sausage Party.
According to the judges Oliver's recipe displayed an "alarming indifference to the complexity of human sexuality" and a "profound misunderstanding of what it means to be a chicken".
Oliver's winning passage:
"Get hold of a nice, plump free-range chicken. I get mine from Sainsburys but why not try your local butcher or a farmers' market?
"Rub it all over with olive oil, garlic and salt. Roughly chop some fresh sage and thyme and rub that in there too. Great fun.
"Batter your chestnuts in a tea towel and then mix them with the rest of the garlic, a squeeze of lemon juice, a pinch of salt and a dash – no more – of Worcester sauce.
"Grab a large handful this mixture and push it right up inside the cavity of the bird. Then cook at 190C, gas mark 6, for about an hour and a half.
"Take the bird out the oven and let it rest for about 15 minutes. Then – and only then – can you safely insert your penis.