Britons stockpiling utterly useless cold remedies

AS the temperature plummets, Britons are rushing to purchase cold and flu remedies that do fuck all.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I know the common cold is incurable, but…but…

“But these capsules come in a box with a picture of a lemon on. That must mean something.”

Cold sufferer Stephen Malley said: “I’ve just taken quadruple the recommended dosage on every cold remedy I could lay my snot-soiled hands on.

“Still feel shit though. What gives?”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ed Miliband 'way better at computers than Cameron'

THE Labour leader’s computer skills are light years ahead of David Cameron’s, it has emerged.

The prime minister launched himself on Twitter last night with the hashtag #FuckLabour and a series of disparaging spoof names for Labour politicians including “Ed MiliBAD”, “Tessa COWell” and “Ed Balls i.e. BOLLOCKS”.

But David Cameron’s foray into social media backfired when Milliband strapped on a special headset, fired up eight monitors simultaneously and remotely disabled the entire Downing Street network in under two minutes.

Miliband, whose home computer set-up looks like Cape Canaverel’s control centre, said: “I even replaced his screensaver with a moving gif of Cameron’s face photoshopped into a Gladiator-themed gay porn scene.

“You may not think it to look at me, but I’m actually very good with computers. Very good indeed.

“And although I didn’t find the prime minister’s humour amusing, the feeble configuration of his firewall was positively side-splitting.”

David Cameron said: “It’s all light-hearted banter, isn’t it? Like rap battles, but done on a computer.”

“My wife likes rap.”