Golfers trash talk pathetic

RYDER Cup golfers have been told to stop doing trash talk because it is pathetic.

Europe’s Ian Poulter threatened to ‘kill’ the US while America’s Brandt Snedeker said he wanted to ‘beat the Europeans brains in’ before everyone reminded them that they play the safest and most middle class sport in the world.

Experts have now urged both teams to calm down, stressing that they make Tory MPs look edgy.

Julian Cook, professor of sports-based insults at Roehampton University, said the golfers should avoid the embarrassing allusions to violence and instead focus on each other’s weaknesses.

He added: “What about, ‘hey, American golfer, your trousers make you look like a child molester.

“Or ‘hey, American golfer, if you win you’ll probably thank Jesus, you creepy fucking weirdo’.

“Or ‘hey, American golfer, you probably make Tiger Woods sit at the back of the bus, you racist shit.

“Or ‘hey, Tiger Woods, when are you going to tell your kids how many whores you’ve fucked?’

“That sort of thing.”



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Stupid times require stupid solutions, says Romney

MITT Romney has relaunched his campaign with a direct appeal to America’s fundamental stupidity.

A new television advert shows the Republican candidate frowning at a quick crossword, laughing hysterically at Charlie Sheen’s new sitcom Anger Management and reaffirming his Mormonism.

Meanwhile, large-print newspaper ads will carry slogans including ‘Mitt Do White House Good’ and ‘Free Pizza’.

Speaking into a switched-off microphone in the wrong room of a conference centre in Canada, Romney said: “No other candidate feel your dumbness like I be.

“These are stupid times, with stupid problems that need stupid solutions from a stupid man.

“I will do the stuff you want, whatever it is you want. Even if you don’t know what you want, and I don’t know either.”

Romney then boarded a flight to Greenland which was forced to make an emergency landing after the candidate attempted to remove one of the windows with a spoon.