Busy mum taking her wine intravenously

A MOTHER has streamlined her wine consumption by feeding it directly into her bloodstream.

Joanna Kramer finds that inserting a red wine drip takes the edge off coping with the demands of her family after a long day at work.

Bradshaw said: “Any parent worth their salt will tell you that kids get cuter in direct correlation to the amount of booze you drink, so getting a couple of glasses of Shiraz down before bedtime is par for the course.

“But do you know how long it takes to open a bottle of wine, pour some into a glass and lift it to your face? I can make two packed lunches and stop a toddler pouring Fairy Liquid into a baby’s nose in that time.

“The solution is to set up this system that feeds wine straight into my blood without any faffing. It’s essentially a drip on a wheelie stand like they have on Casualty, it’s perfect for getting a buzz on while reading a bedtime story.”

She added: “My husband is having a real ale enema after work every day.”

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Flash car in no way reflects rest of man's life

A FANCY car bought on finance is totally unrepresentative of the rest of its owner’s fairly crap life, it has emerged.

Martin Bishop’s sporty Mercedes convertible suggests he has a glamorous lifestyle, although in reality he works at Londis and rents a room above a chip shop.

Bishop said: “When I saw you can get a Mercedes on monthly payments with no deposit I jumped at it, even if it means I’m effectively below the poverty line in the rest of my life.

“People are always impressed, although it can lead to awkward moments when they find out I don’t live in a luxury penthouse, just a shared flat that smells of battered sausages.

“I was particularly disappointed when a woman I’d hoped to have sex with lost interest after discovering my job is mainly restocking shelves with Pepperamis.

“The Merc means I’ve had to economise a bit but when you look at the exquisite interior trim, 1.8 litre engine and high-tech dash display it’s definitely worth not eating on some days.

“I can see it might project the image that I’m wealthy and own a yacht or something, but I’ve applied for extra shifts on the fags counter so who knows where that might lead?

“People should accept me for the person I am, which is a guy with an expensive car that makes me really cool and important.”