Changes of Covid tier to be decided by play-offs

THE health secretary has confirmed that regions will only be able to move to a new coronavirus tier after a series of play-offs. 

Matt Hancock revealed that the regions with the lowest infection rates in each tier will face each other, with the winner rewarded by moving to a lower tier.

The events, broadcast exclusively by Sky Sports to subscribers and pubs, will see regions compete in 90-minute contests to decide which are allowed to meet their families again. Residents will receive yellow cards for not socially distancing and automatic red cards for not wearing masks.

Commentator Sir Patrick Vallance said: “The favourites for the return to tier 2 are Kent, with a lavishly-funded team of pleasant villages and big-spending hamlets.

“But don’t underestimate County Durham and the Humber, who’ve managed to defy expectations and could well cause an upset.

“Andy Burnham’s Manchester are set to face off against local rivals Leeds in a mouth-watering clash which could see either city go into the first tier, with massive local support.

“Don’t miss a moment of these thrilling face-offs. Next slide please.”

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Five fun facts everyone already f**king knows

DO you like to entertain people with fun but surprising facts that make great talking points? Are they the same facts everyone already f**king knows? 

Eating carrots can turn you orange

Technically, if your diet is heavy enough on the carrots to the exclusion of almost everything else, the carotenoids could turn your skin orange. An amzing fun factoid passed down from generation to generation while never interesting anyone.

Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas Day

As a child playing third donkey in the school’s nativity play, aged eight, you had the creeping suspicion that this whole story was bullshit. So, now an adult, you delight in telling people that actually Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th at all! They never thought he was.

Hedy Lamarr invented wi-fi

The first time anyone heard that actress Hedy Lamarr developed the radio torpedo guidance technology adopted into Bluetooth and wifi, they were probably surprised. But it’s become such a stand-by fact it’s now far more fascinating to tell people that the inventor of wifi also did the first cum-face in cinema (Ecstasy, 1933).

You can’t see the Great Wall from space

A two-in-one joy-killer, because if anyone mentions that the Great Wall of China can be seen from space you’re perfectly placed to leap in and correct them that actually it can’t. Even if you were Tim Peake reporting on your own personal experience of Great Wall observation nobody would want to know.

Sea otters hold hands while they’re sleeping so they don’t drift apart

A fact that’s delightful the first time you hear it, still cute the second time, but like nails on a chalkboard the eighteenth time you see it on someone’s dating profile. Sea otters also often accidentally kill each other while mating. That fact fun enough for you?