Cheese is so good we’d freebase it if we could, agrees everyone

CHEESE is so good that if it were possible to cook it with a blowtorch and inhale it deeply into the lungs it would definitely be worth it, Britain has agreed.

Cheese fiends across the country have said that even if it caused serious health problems, addiction and homelessness they would do it just to get more cheese in their system.

Tom Booker, from Warwick, said: “I order the stuffed crust four-cheese pizza, I follow it with a cheese board and I’m still in front of the fridge at midnight, but getting my hit takes too long.

“If I could chase my cheese dragon off tinfoil somehow, or in a little glass pipe, or possibly inject it directly into a vein, I’d be a happy man for however long it lasted. Probably not long.”

Fellow cheesehead Julian Cook said: “I used to have a riverfront apartment, a BMW, a City job. Now I squat in an abandoned shop with nothing but a fondue set and whatever vintage cheddars I can shoplift from Waitrose.

“It’s like William Burroughs said: ‘If God made anything better than cheese, he kept it for himself.’”