Cheese is so good we’d freebase it if we could, agrees everyone

CHEESE is so good that if it were possible to cook it with a blowtorch and inhale it deeply into the lungs it would definitely be worth it, Britain has agreed.

Cheese fiends across the country have said that even if it caused serious health problems, addiction and homelessness they would do it just to get more cheese in their system.

Tom Booker, from Warwick, said: “I order the stuffed crust four-cheese pizza, I follow it with a cheese board and I’m still in front of the fridge at midnight, but getting my hit takes too long.

“If I could chase my cheese dragon off tinfoil somehow, or in a little glass pipe, or possibly inject it directly into a vein, I’d be a happy man for however long it lasted. Probably not long.”

Fellow cheesehead Julian Cook said: “I used to have a riverfront apartment, a BMW, a City job. Now I squat in an abandoned shop with nothing but a fondue set and whatever vintage cheddars I can shoplift from Waitrose.

“It’s like William Burroughs said: ‘If God made anything better than cheese, he kept it for himself.’”

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Cash in hand way better than 'rights'

CASH-IN-HAND payments are way better than sick pay, pension rights and all that other nonsense, tradesmen have confirmed. 

As the government attempts to frame a crackdown on cash payments as ‘protecting workers’, electricians, plumbers and gardeners have replied that thick wedges of money are all the protection they need.

Builder Roy Hobbs said: “It’s true I don’t get holiday pay, but then what do they get? 28 days a year? I spend longer than that in my place in Barbados, and then there’s Disney World to consider.

“Yes, I’m not protected if I have a dispute with an employer, so when it happens I have to cover myself by steal enough materials from him to construct a three-bedroom detached.

“Don’t worry about me and my pension, Theresa love. I’m putting plenty away, and then there’s my properties. Those eight monthly rents will bridge the gap in my old age. Or is it nine?

“And it’s not all about the bottom line. There’s just something marvellous about the freedom of being given £1,250 in notes and knowing you get to keep fucking all of it.”

Hobbs added: “Abolish paper money if you like. I may be 58, but you would not believe how fast I’ll get into bitcoin.”