Chop-Chop, Scientists Tell Women

BEATING cancer involves less chatty and more cooky, according to new research.

Scientists claim that an hour of housework a day can reduce the risks of several cancers and that knowing your way around a Magimix wouldn’t do any harm either.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “The occasional brisk walk can also help, especially if it’s to an off licence or a newsagent.

“According to these sums I just did, there are some hugely beneficial aerobics involved in bringing me back a bottle of Southern Comfort and a copy of Penthouse.”

He added: “We also reckon things like ordinary household dust, unwashed dishes and my dirty boxer shorts can cause all kinds of bad cancer mojo to happen. And a fridge full of uncooked bacon is like having a built-in unexploded cancer bomb in your kitchen.

“Carcinogens seem to hate a bit of hoovering as well. It’s a very complicated science thing that would only confuse you and make you want chocolate.”

Brubaker said the benefits of regular exercise only affect certain parts of the body: “Start flapping your gums and you may as well smoke 40 a day through an asbestos cigarette holder.

“It’s a shame but I’m afraid that biology, like Big Susan across the road, is a cruel mistress.”

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Wetherspoons to open in A&E

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.

The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: “These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won’t be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

“They will also have appropriate names like ‘The 16 Stitches’, ‘The Mutiple Contusion’ and ‘The Face and Bottle’.”

He added: “There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people outside a kebab shop receiving a shoeing that was largely their own fault.”

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

“And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look.”