DESPERATELY clinging to your lost youth does not slow the ageing process, according to scientists.
Researchers found that the natural deterioration of the human body cannot be halted by wearing cool glasses or pretending to understand new music.
Professor Eleanor Shaw said: “Our research involved two groups of middle-aged men and women. One group was instructed to cling to their youth, while the others were allowed to behave with a shred of dignity.
“All the subjects suffered age-related problems, such as wrinkles, hair loss, fat arms, impotence and weird skin blotches, no matter how much they liked ‘the Arctic Monkeys’.
“Whatever youthful items the first group was given – cargo shorts, jazzy trainers, beeping things made by Apple – they just kept getting more wizened.
“One male subject even reported feeling older than he actually was, after attending a rave club where an attractive 20-year-old kept saying how much cooler he was than her dad.”
Professor Shaw said the non-youthful subjects were more content, having resigned themselves to endless evenings of sipping red wine and either an early night or hoping Stephanie Flanders would be wearing a tight jumper on Newsnight.
Teacher Tom Logan said: “For years I’ve been trying to hang on to my youth by wearing a t-shirt that says Superdry on it and pretending Dizzee Rascal has got something important to say.
“But tonight I’m going to put on some comfortable cords, crack open a four-pack of Ruddles County, listen to my Sting albums and face death with dignity.”