Millions forced to eat Dutch meat

BRITAIN was awash with vomit this morning after it emerged that millions of people had eaten pork made in Holland.

Tesco admitted its ‘British’ pork chops were actually Dutch, leaving terrified customers unsure whether they would still be alive by sunset.

Speaking shortly after he was sick into his hands, consumer Martin Bishop said: “Dutch meat. Just saying it makes me want to die.

“Which is a shame because it was absolutely delicious.”


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Wife-stealers hail Grand Theft Auto V

BRITAIN’S womanisers have begun targeting Grand Theft Auto V widows.

The Casanova community had been awaiting the game’s release for months while rehearsing their ‘caring and attentive male’ routines.

Neighbourhood Romeo Tom Booker said: “I call it Girlfriend Theft Auto.

“While the husband’s upstair pretending to be a gun-toting American I’m visiting his wife under the flimsy pretence of doing a survey about women’s emotional needs.”

He added: “A lot of the old husband distractions didn’t work anymore.

“England games are so awful that men welcome the diversion of the wife talking about some baby she’s seen on Facebook.

“DIY lost its charm when blokes realised they could pay someone else to do it properly, and pornography can be viewed in convenient ten-minute chunks on the smart phone rather than in a four-hour session down the shed.”

Keen gamer Stephen Malley said: “I’ve told my girlfriend not to bother me for the next few days and she’s going out for a night with her mate, the attractive bisexual one who’s always coming on to her.

“I think she said she might stay the weekend, which means more late-night GTA action for me.”

Malley’s girlfriend Mary Fisher said: “This morning the milkman was wearing loads of Blue Stratos and read me a poem about a rose.

“Meanwhile my boyfriend is upstairs yelling ‘In this one you can fly a helicopter through a building!’

“I have decided to become a lesbian.”