Co-workers could stop coughing if they really wanted to

CO-WORKERS have been told they do not have to cough as much as they are coughing and that they are probably doing it for attention. 

Across the country colleagues who are just back at work after a bad cold have been told it is simply a case of ‘focusing their minds’ and ‘not being arseholes’.

In Peterborough, Susan Traherne told co-worker Joseph Turner: “I’m not necessarily saying that you don’t need to cough. I’m sure you’re really ill.

“But if you try to space it so it’s only every five minutes you’ll be a lot happier, and it’ll help you more.

“And when you do have to cough, it doesn’t have to be so loud. We all know you’ve been ill Joseph, you don’t have to advertise it.

“Perhaps you could just try thinking about other human beings for once in your life, yeah?”

Turner said: “Did she say something? I didn’t hear. I was coughing my fucking guts up.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

MacBook security flaw threatens millions of bullshit creative projects

MILLIONS of half-completed screenplays, novels and travel memoirs could be destroyed if MacBooks are attacked, experts have warned. 

The creative projects, all of which were expected to become an important part of our culture, could be lost forever if the Meltdown and Spectre bugs are not fixed.

Eleanor Shaw, from Bristol, said: “The world needs to know my unique story. I haven’t even got to the bit about the little village in Uzbekistan.

“It’s fine when there are viruses on Windows machines because they only affect banks and medical records. But I’ve poured my heart and soul into this.

“My friend Ivor’s terrified. He won’t even take his MacBook within range of wireless in case he loses Red Planet, his original screenplay about the Soviet conquest of Mars which had a very good chance of being produced.

“I feel like I’ve been wasting my time shopping around agents. It’s an absolute tragedy because it would’ve been a bestseller.”

Security expert Tom Logan said: “If your Mac becomes infected with ransomware and you’re asked for £500 in bitcoin for your unfinished novel about Sonic the Hedgehog visiting our world, do not pay it.”