Despite the haters, I’m really looking forward to whipping our universities into shape. For starters, I’ll be extending Freshers Week to a whole month, slashing prices on snakebite in the Students Union and doing everything I can to encourage chlamydia. I’ll need to get advice on all the other boring stuff like teaching and research though – do you think Michael Gove will have some useful tips on how to fuck-up an education system?
I won’t be going to university because it sounds worse than school. My big sister goes to uni and she says as well as having to do studying and exams you also have to live with random weirdos from Hull with green hair and piercings who insist they are ‘gender non binary’ and think Jeremy Corbyn is the messiah. Plus, because of tuition fees you can only afford to eat yellow square things in boxes from Farmfoods that have been frozen since 1993 and you drink Tennents Special because it’s dead cheap and you reckon it makes you look interesting and complex but as a result you develop severe IBS and depression and have to drop out after first year and go work for Vodafone instead.
Hope that helps!