Consuming whatever you want secret to happy life and early death

RESEARCH has confirmed that consuming whatever you like, from steak to whiskey to cigarettes, will give you a largely happy and considerably shorter life. 

A major new survey by the Institute for Studies has discovered that drinking a bottle of gin a night brightens your days immeasurably while ensuring there are many fewer of them.

Dr Henry Brubaker said: “Vodka, weed or massive cream cakes; they delight while hastening decline. So now it’s what we do with that information.

“Booze and smoke away, choosing quality over quantity, or deny yourself the good stuff in a wild gamble that you’ll get the benefit and won’t be run over by a bus?

“We’re hoping these results correlate with another ongoing study which appears to show that doing whatever you like leads to low pay. But on the other hand, you get to do whatever the fuck you like.”

Martin Bishop of Hythe said: “I’ve been smashing a bottle of cheap vodka in every night for ages and it really does put a smile on my face.

“On the other hand, would I like to reach my 50th birthday? I suppose. A bit.”

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The Brits' guide to explaining he's not your fault, by an American

by Thomas J. Logan III

HEY limeys. Going on vacation? Not looking forward to the gape-mouthed looks from continentals when you admit your nationality? Yeah, I know that feeling. 

Here’s how to tell sophisticated Europeans that you didn’t vote for the leader of your country, you don’t understand who did and you’re sorry, from a guy who’s been doing it for years.

Go over how democracy works

Patiently explain that while Donald Trump or your Anglicized version Donalde Troump may have won, that does not mean all citizens or indeed most voted for him. And many really, really hate him.

Get technical

If they’re so interested in your politics, go into detail. Explain how the electoral college or the first-past-the-post system works. Get granular on the Queen’s role as a constitutional monarch. Watch them glaze over and f**k off.

Demonstrate how much you hate him

Before the French or the Greeks or the goddamn Germans start ranting about how much you loathe your Johnson guy, do it yourself. Go into detail about every night you dream of choking him with your own bare hands and wake up naked in the street. That should shut them up.

Pretend you’re into him

Counterintuitive but I promise it works; when they ask ‘What do you think of Boris/Trump?’ lean in. Rave about how great he is. Claim he’s the leader your country has been yearning for. Promise that soon you will rule the entire world. Trust me, they’ll back off.

Pretend you’re Canadian

Everybody loves the fucking Canadians, they think they’re so great. But if you can’t master their accent you can probably pull off Dutch or Irish, then you can join in the 45 minutes’ bitching about what assholes the Brits are.