Tuesday, 4th August 2020

Consuming whatever you want secret to happy life and early death

RESEARCH has confirmed that consuming whatever you like, from steak to whiskey to cigarettes, will give you a largely happy and considerably shorter life. 

A major new survey by the Institute for Studies has discovered that drinking a bottle of gin a night brightens your days immeasurably while ensuring there are many fewer of them.

Dr Henry Brubaker said: “Vodka, weed or massive cream cakes; they delight while hastening decline. So now it’s what we do with that information.

“Booze and smoke away, choosing quality over quantity, or deny yourself the good stuff in a wild gamble that you’ll get the benefit and won’t be run over by a bus?

“We’re hoping these results correlate with another ongoing study which appears to show that doing whatever you like leads to low pay. But on the other hand, you get to do whatever the fuck you like.”

Martin Bishop of Hythe said: "I've been smashing a bottle of cheap vodka in every night for ages and it really does put a smile on my face.

“On the other hand, would I like to reach my 50th birthday? I suppose. A bit.”