Couple who ‘only smoke when drinking’ drinking a lot

A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.  

Martin Bishop and Nikki Hollis claim to have ‘practically given up’ and ‘just have a cheeky one’ when drinking socially, which apparently includes any random Wednesday night in.

Friend Helen Archer said: “You can’t text without being invited round, and as soon as you’re through the door the Merlot’s open and they’re out the back having a fag.

“They make a big song and dance of standing at the back door until the second bottle by which time they’re sparking up at the kitchen table and pulling a well-used ashtray out of a drawer.

“And they’ve started to go the pub ‘just the two of them’ all the time, which has nothing to do with ‘getting to know the area’ and everything to do with their aching need to blaze it under the heatlamp.

“Once they’re pissed one of them will say that a GP friend told them you can smoke five cigarettes a day with a negligible effect, usually whilst opening another pack of twenty.

“Obviously I have one if they’re offering. It’s just a social thing with me.”

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Printer not doing anything until you apologise

YOUR printer is not doing one single thing unless it gets a full apology for the way it has been treated. 

The printer is refusing to speak to you, your phone or your laptop by either wireless, Bluetooth or direct connection until it gets a sorry that sounds sorry.

It said: “You do not act that way to me. I don’t care what kind of pressure you’re under at work.

“I was going to print it, wasn’t I? It was in my queue, you could see that, but just because I’m taking the time to do a proper job you cannot hold your temper.

“No, there’s not a paper jam. That’s just an excuse. No, I don’t need ink. How about a bit of appreciation once in a while? Some flowers?”

Your wireless router said: “Don’t look at me. It’s never acknowledged I exist in five years.”