Covid: Why I should never have listened to stupid bloody science, by Rishi Sunak

I’M the first to admit mistakes were made during the pandemic. Public health messaging could have been clearer. PPE procurement was lacking. Corporate profits for my friends in the City could have been much higher. 

And those mistakes were entirely the fault of scientists, with their pathetic need to court popularity and pander to the public’s desire to be locked up at home for months at a time.

I don’t have a clue about science. I’m an economist, believe it or not. So by that logic why should scientists, who don’t have a clue about the economy, run the economy? 

The scientists’ ideological ‘survival of the unfittest’ philosophy influenced our prime minister Boris Johnson, an overweight, spineless worm of a man who lacks personal discipline. Suddenly the focus of our response was ‘saving lives’ because grannies dying was unpopular, for some reason.

I believe it makes economic sense that we become fitter as a nation. That involves exercise, good nutrition and, in a wider sense, not minding too much if a few hundred thousand old, weak and economically irrelevant people pass on.

My ‘eat out to help out’ scheme was actually to test who was fit and strong enough to queue for a cheap burger and survive a waiter breathing Covid in your face while asking if you wanted onion rings.

But the scientists decried all this, perhaps because they are weaklings who would never survive in a truly well-run economic jungle.

I should have vetoed the vaccine on the grounds that it was unaffordable. Now there are so many of you still alive. And thanks to you all wanting heat and lighting we’ve got an energy crisis and the possibility of rationing. I hope you’re proud of yourselves, egghead science boffins!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How the government could deal with the energy crisis, but won't

RISING energy prices are crippling Britain, with millions in poverty and small businesses closing. Here are six things the government could do but won’t.

Nationalise an energy company

They’ll be going bust soon enough because nobody can afford to pay them, so it would be easy to step in, take over and set up a state-owned company that supplies energy without profit. But the Tories won’t because it would be a betrayal of Thatcher. That’s more unthinkable than going back to medieval times without electricity or hot water.

Invest in insulation

Households spend too much on energy because they’re inefficiently insulated. Subsidising wall and roof insulation would cut energy bills and reduce carbon emissions. But the Tories won’t because it’s your choice as an individual to have bad insulation if you like and Insulate Britain were hippies.

Freeze the price cap

If the price cap rises whenever prices do, it’s not a f**king price cap. Freezing it would get millions of households through the winter and force energy companies to reconsider their plan of ‘rampant profits now’. But the Tories won’t, because restricting profiteering is what Stalin did.

Invest in renewables

The cost of renewable energy hasn’t gone up. Putin can’t cut off wind or tides. Investing money in that, rather than trusting energy giants’ crossed-fingers promise to do it, would ensure that the lights stayed on. But the Tories won’t because GB News doesn’t like wind turbines.

Invest in nuclear

Nuclear power is basically glowing rocks that pump out infinite energy. There’s a strong argument for taking advantage, despite the dangers. Building nuclear power plants would provide for generations to come, but the Tories won’t because it’s expensive and hard and we’ve asked China to build one but they’re dragging their feet.

Subsidise solar panels

There’s nothing more individual and entrepreneurial than turning your own home into an energy producer. Imagine, thousands of little power companies lining the suburbs of Britain, each as self-sufficient as the country was meant to be post-Brexit. But the Tories won’t because they’re pricks.