Daily alcohol limits not really working for us, say drinkers

RECOMMENDED daily limits on alcohol are really not doing it for us, drinkers have confirmed.

Alcohol enthusiasts across the UK stressed that while the limit may sound reasonable, it is obviously not going to get you sufficiently trousered.

They are now calling on the government to rethink its guidelines or better still, just leave them alone.

Tom Logan, a trainee solicitor from Northampton, said: “They may have confused a safe daily limit with what I like to call ‘lunch’.”

“I manage to do this without bothering anyone else. The worst that happens is an occasional tendency to fall asleep and urinate all over the sofa, but – and I’m sure we’re all agreed – that’s my problem.”

Emma Bishop, a marketing executive from Twickenham, added: “How’s about this? As an adult, I think a reasonable daily limit is me drinking as much as I fucking want.

“If it affects my work I’ll get sacked. If it affects my relationships I’ll be all lonely and sad.

“And following a quick glance at my tax bill I’ve decided the NHS will treat me and the government can keep its fucking opinions to itself.”

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British Gas To Let You Eat

BRITISH Gas has agreed to leave you just enough money so you can eat.

The energy giant is to cut its prices after a drop-off in demand was linked to an increasing number of its customers starving to death.

Now the company has pledged to reduce tariffs to the point where consumers can afford just enough food to continue to live while spending the rest of their meagre incomes on gas and electricity.

A spokesman said: "This winter an increasing number of people have had to choose between freezing to death and starving to death. You're absolutely no use to us dead. At least until we're allowed to burn corpses instead of coal."

He added: "In these difficult times our challenge is to set prices which create that happy medium somewhere between hypothermia and having just enough energy to switch on the oven."

The company is also publishing a series of tips and hints on energy efficient cooking in its new booklet Pressure Cookers Give You Cancer.

Tips include:

  • Raw vegetables are deadly. Use the biggest pan you have, filled to the brim with water.
  • Cook huge joints of meat. Cutting it into smaller pieces means it will cook too fast and you will die of vomiting.
  • To prevent deadly food poisoning always leave the oven on for at least an hour after you have eaten.
  • Always boil water on the hob. Every year kettles kill more than 500,000 people exactly like you.

Elizabeth Bradford, 67, from Dorchester, said: "Once again I shall taste the sweet nectar of Asda Smart Price cream of tomato. Thank you British Gas. I love you."