Deadly new Covid strain will never be taken seriously

A CONCERNING new variant of Covid will never be taken seriously by the British public given how the previous waves were handled by the government.

Nobody has forgotten the string of monumental f**k ups, lies and scandals surrounding the pandemic, meaning that the emergence of a virulent new strain of Covid will be promptly dismissed by all.

Tom Booker from Basingstoke said: “The initial terror of the first wave has long worn off. Unless a new strain has a flashy gimmick like instantly killing on contact or being visible to the naked eye, nobody will give a shit.

“You can tell the boffins have stopped caring too. The latest variant is called BA.2.86, which doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue. If they really wanted us to worry they would have named it something scary like Omega or Balrog.”

Nikki Hollis from Portsmouth said: “I might have been willing to keep wearing a face mask and sanitising my hands if our lords and masters didn’t snog and party their way through the last pandemic. But they did, so I won’t.

“If a new wave takes off then nobody’s going to stay at home or do social distancing, not even if Chris Whitty gets on his knees and tearfully begs us. Furlough can make a comeback though. Getting paid to watch Netflix for a few months was brilliant.”

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Childless couple at Disneyland confirmed as psychopaths

A COUPLE spending their holiday at Disneyland despite not having any children have been officially verified as deranged.

Tom Booker and his girlfriend Ellie Shaw go to Walt Disney’s Magic Kingdom in Orlando every summer, even though they are fully functional child-free adults in their mid-thirties.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Given that these people have a compulsion to visit a giant theme park without being strong-armed into it by a six-year-old, there is only one diagnosis: they are completely mental.

“The whole place is like some horrible commercialised acid trip. Everything’s too expensive, people dressed as Mickey Mouse and Goofy won’t stop harassing you, and you spend hours queuing up for rides designed for toddlers.

“Any grown-ups who put themselves through that ordeal without having a child demand it are, scientifically speaking, completely batshit. Adults who don’t have kids should spend their holidays doing normal things, like going to nice pubs.”

Ellie Shaw said: “You don’t need kids to find things like princesses and giant talking mice entertaining. Some people like sunbathing or walking around art galleries. We just happen to enjoy spending our holidays in a magical palace surrounded by cartoon characters.

“Anyway, they actually have a lot of sophisticated stuff for adults, like an Avengers rollercoaster.”