You’ll get over her in no time, says dad still hung up on his year 11 girlfriend

A FATHER has reassured his teenaged son that he will quickly recover from a break-up, despite the hurt he still feels over a woman he hasn’t seen in two decades.

Oliver Bishop, aged 18, sought help from dad Martin after being dumped by his girlfriend of six months and was told it is best not to dwell on these things, before having to sit through a 20-minute monologue about how well his dad dealt with the aftermath of his secondary school relationship ending.

Martin Bishop said: “You’ll only be sad about it if you allow yourself to be sad. That’s what I told myself when Joanna Kramer gave me back my hoodie outside the science block in 1989, and I don’t even remember the look in her eyes when she told me she didn’t feel that way about me anymore.

“It’ll be hard at first, but you can be friends. Those romantic feelings will completely fade. I’ve got Joanna on Facebook and I feel nothing but joy when I see photos of her with her husband Tom, even though he looks like a dick who’s completely wrong for her.

“Now, no more sulking. You’ll meet someone even better, like I met your Mum. You’ll certainly never spend those quiet early hours of the morning lying awake wondering what might have been. No way.”

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They didn’t bring you a little treat back from the shops: six major relationship red flags

THOUGHT cheating was bad? Wait until you hear about these extreme acts which could easily destroy any relationship.

Not buying you a treat from the shops

You might not have asked for one, but that doesn’t matter. Not picking up your favourite sweeties or a nice coffee when visiting a supermarket is a crime that puts your relationship on very rocky ground. Everyone deserves to be fed constant nibbles from their partner as if they were a precious little hamster.

Watching a TV show without you

Reading your WhatsApps? Fair. Opening your email? Understandable. But desecrating the sanctity of your joint Disney Plus account by watching Only Murders in the Building without you? Unforgivable. So what if you were busy? They should sit alone in the darkness, rather than risk having a single experience without you.

Putting their cold feet on you

Relationships should be a safe space, free from the horrors of the outside world. A person who genuinely cares about your wellbeing would never knowingly make you uncomfortable and that includes an icy assault at bedtime. Equal distribution of assets in a relationship does not apply to heat. If they have to lose a toe to frostbite, so be it.

Trying to dissuade you from ordering a takeaway

Some people might say that a partner who offers to cook deliciously healthy food for you is a keeper. But they would be wrong. Anyone who denies your craving for a Dominos and points out that you’ll just moan about feeling fat after is not fit to share a life with. They can take their self-improvement goals elsewhere.

Rolling onto your side of the bed

Boundaries are important in a relationship, and none more so than the one demarcating your side of the bed. Crossing that line is breaking an important treaty and justifiably a reason for World War III. Like a tiger, you should defend your territory, and report them to The Hague.

Falling asleep before you

You wouldn’t walk up a hill and leave them sweating behind at the bottom, so why should they get to drift off into sweet dreams while you toss and turn? Someone who revels in such an extreme power imbalance is a walking red flag. Their nighttime behaviours are unfair and thoughtless, and kicking them in the shin to rectify this is just clearly stating your needs.