Wednesday, 5th August 2020

'Deciding to eat healthily' confirmed as bleakest phase of a relationship

COUPLES who decide to start eating a healthier diet together have reached an all-time low in their relationship.

Committing with a partner to a shared goal of protecting one’s health has been identified as the moment the urge to have sex and fun together dies.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While wanting to improve your diet is laudable, agreeing to fewer biscuits and no benders is a fast-track to joyless oblivion.

“The only way to avoid such a relationship precipice is to find someone who is truly incapable of thinking beyond their next Wotsits grab bag. Sadly, these highly desirable mates tend to get snapped up first.”

Lucy Parry, who has been in a relationship for two years, said: “At the beginning we lived on lager and takeaways. We smoked before, after and sometimes during sex, and ate nachos in bed. It was great.

“Now we’re into juicing together, and not nice juice like apple and pear, but dark shit like celery and beetroot.

“We both know it’s over, but neither of us is prepared to give up custody of the spiralizer.”