Dentist horrified to learn you've been using your teeth to eat food

YOUR dentist is disgusted to hear that rather than living off a diet of toothpaste you have been befouling your mouth with food and drink.

Dr Denys Finch Hatton, who has been in the profession for decades, has never heard of someone having such blatant disregard for their oral health.

He continued: “There’s no point lying to me. I can tell you’ve been eating.

“This sesame seed lodged in your molars tells me all I need to know. You’ve been chowing down on a burger, gnashing and grinding to get the foodstuff into smaller, more easily-digestible chunks. I suppose you didn’t think I’d notice.

“Even worse, I found a tiny cavity in one of these upper canines that could only be caused by dangerous consumption, possibly of sugar. Why, for God’s sake, when Corsodyl is right there?”

Patient Stephen Malley said: “I floss twice a day and visit the hygienist twice a year, a regime he described as ‘sickeningly neglectful’.

“Before I left, he told to stop smiling because the UV rays from sunlight might damage my enamel. He’s the expert. From now on, I’m getting all my nutrients through a drip.”

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Six depressing reality checks from a single visit to LinkedIn

THE social media site of choice for arseholes, LinkedIn can induce unparalleled despair in just ten minutes. But what depressing truths lie in wait for you?

That twat from your first job is doing far better than you

Martin Bishop, the shit-useless admin assistant at your first job, now runs his own SEO firm which has won an award, while your career appears to have peaked at twenty-five. Deal with this by remembering the time Martin threw up in the cupboard at work after too much Hooch and got sent home.

You understand f**k all about your chosen field

You’ve been a business analyst for ten years but have no idea what this other business analyst is posting about. He’s written 20,000 words on being agile, whatever that is. Give it a thumbs up and write ‘Exactly!’ underneath in the comments section. Maybe employers will see it and headhunt you.

Everyone else does cool work travel

Why is everyone posting pictures of themselves at a conference in Vegas? Who lets them go to Vegas? The last trip you went on was to health and safety course at a Premier Inn on the Banbury ring road that didn’t even have good biscuits.

Your ex is still fit and still happily married

LinkedIn isn’t just for work, you decide, looking up an ex. Yours appears to still be hot, to now be married, and to be running her own business which has glowing write-ups from Forbes. She fails to respond to your request for endorsement.

You dont give a f**k about your company and never will

A colleague has shared a tedious, arse-licking post about your employer winning something called a Risk and Compliance Award 2023 which inspires an internal debate about whether severing your fingers or blinding yourself would best ensure you never browse LinkedIn again.

If you can’t beat the wankers, join them

Hit Like on some stultifying posts about a DevOps culture, whatever that is. Maybe someone will be impressed and offer you tons of money to work for them! Add buzzwords to your profile and take credit for that award. Mask the ensuing nausea and self-loathing with a 9.20am gin.