Do five crunches a month: Simple ways to lose belly fat that don't f**king work

BELLY fat is dead easy to shift with minimal effort, articles and ‘experts’ keep telling you. Try these token gestures that make naff all difference.

Do five crunches a month

Using up calories is unfortunately the key to losing body fat. And since you get worn out by wrestling your socks onto your feet, five crunches a month is probably all you can manage. Not in one go, either. After doing one and nearly dying, your body will need a week to recover. Tell yourself you’re sensibly not risking your ‘exercise regime’ with an injury.

Eat one healthy meal a week

All those refined carbs you’re stuffing into your face are the reason you have belly fat. Ideally you should swap them out for healthier foods, so grimly commit to one salad a week. That will definitely make a dent in your paunch, and it’s fine to eat an entire packet of chocolate digestives afterwards. How can you stick to your frugal diet if you starve to death?

Take out a gym membership

Regularly going to the gym is a fantastic, sure-fire way to lose those excess pounds. As is just taking out a membership. You’re burning quite a few calories pushing on that springy keyboard as you fill out your personal details on the gym’s website, and the warm tingle of achievement you feel when the membership card arrives is speeding up your metabolism.

Smoke the odd fag

Leaving aside the cancer and yellow teeth, heavy smoking is great if you want to lose belly fat because it suppresses your appetite. You do have to puff away on 60 a day though, which is expensive and makes you reek. Instead, cadge the odd fag on a night out to reduce your calorie intake by a microscopic amount while only slightly increasing your chances of getting cancer. Doctors always recommend moderation.

Follow weird tips from sidebar adverts

For most people, losing belly fat is straightforward: eat less pies and burn more calories than you consume. This is hard work though and makes you sweaty. It’s much easier to follow the old wives’ tales advertised on website sidebars with animations of jiggling tummies. There’s always some weird fruit like the Indonesian hogmango that removes belly fat too, so do the smart thing and order plenty of pills made from that.

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Nine common problems that can be solved by moving the f**k out of London

CAN’T afford a house? Can’t afford a meal out? Travelling six miles takes two hours and costs you £40? Have you considered getting the f**k out of London?

No affordable rents: With the capital full of other young professional housemates stealing your shampoo, have you considered living outside it? In provincial towns like Chorley and Sleaford where rent is low? They’ve got electricity and tapas, allegedly.

No nightlife options: Restaurants and nightclubs in London are famous and famously expensive. Restaurants and nightclubs in the rest of the country are less so, and often called things like The Wheatsheaf Grill or Zanzibar’s, but you can go to them.

No affordable transport: A system of underground trains in a major city is expensive. Getting the bus in Barnsley is not. Riding a bike in Wrexham is practically free. And have you considered walking to work in Warrington? It can be done, crazy as it sounds.

Overcrowding: It’s impossible to find a patch of London park not commandeered by boot camp fitness twats, rowdy bored-shitless teenagers or mums playing ‘here we go round the Mulberry bag’ for a two-year-old’s party. Could it possibly be because there’s too f**king many of you in the same place?

No time to see friends: Lengthy commutes, long working hours and spiralling service costs mean that even in the same city, you only see friends on Zoom. Are you getting it yet? That the city is a nightmare and you could just piss off somewhere nicer?

Gentrification: Be the gentrifier. Take your fancy arsehole graduate job and go and gentrify Ashton-under-Lyne. All it actually means is buying a cheap house and making the area more pleasant. Is that so evil, or are your values horrendously warped?

Pollution: You know the black snot thing ends immediately north of EN6, don’t you? You sneer when your provincial friends come down and complain about it? Then what’s stopping you moving to Staffordshire? Fear of big cats?

I’ll never get on the property ladder: No, you f**king won’t. Nor will you ever buy in Manhattan, Tokyo or Sandbanks, so have you considered living somewhere you can afford like normal people do?

I can’t talk about anything but living in London: This one is absolutely solved after six months in Stafford after which you will, finally, get over yourself. Unless you move to Cornwall or the Cotswolds. It’s still the sole topic of conversation with the refugees there.