Doctor running out of ways to hint patient is fat bastard who drinks too much

A GP is running out of tactful ways to tell a patient his health issues are down to being a big fat f**ker who is always on the sauce.

Dr Tom Booker is close to exhausting all sensitive or circumspect approaches to the topic and is close to dropping an expletive-laden truth bomb on 42-year-old Wayne Hayes.

Booker said: “I’ve given him every gentle nudge in the book. We’ve compared his intake to the government guidelines, looked at the calories in booze, talked about cholesterol. Nothing.

“He still sits opposite me complaining that he has no energy and feels depressed, without ever linking it to his diet of frozen pizza and at least eight cans of Carling every night.

“One more question about his constant sweating and I’m going to lose it. Or questions about being tested for asthma because he gets ‘out of breath climbing stairs’ before asking if I’m sure he can’t vape in here.

“You’re a fat, lazy bastard who knocks back far too much booze, Wayne. That’s your entire problem.”

Hayes said: “I should probably be honest about how much I really drink. But I don’t want the doc to be disappointed in me.”

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Anything can be a gun, discovers six-year-old

A MIDDLE-CLASS six-year-old not allowed toy weapons has discovered that anything can be a gun if you point it and make the noises. 

Joseph Turner of Didsbury is not allowed military toys by his aggressively non-violent parents but has discovered that even a branch can be a Heckler & Koch MP7 if you use your imagination.

He said: “Mum and dad are always telling me violence is wrong and guns are bad, even though guns are cool and everybody knows it.

“I was in the supermarket when I first picked up a banana, aimed down its yellow sights and began shooting all the customers with ‘p-kow’ noises.

“After that guns were everywhere. Sticks, the hand whisk from the kitchen, and for a short-lived but electrifying five-minute chase, the toilet brush.

“Mum and Dad are now afraid they’re raising a sociopath. Even when all objects are taken away, I form my hands into guns and take the two of them down slo-mo style.

“They’re so disturbed by it they’re thinking of getting me a tablet. Guns work.”