Half an iPhone, and five other things women can almost fit in their pockets

ON occasion women’s clothing comes with pockets, and some of them are real. Here’s six things they can store: 

One Lotus Biscoff biscuit, broken

Perfect for stealing from a cafe so nobody sees you eat it then wolfing down on the way back to work. If you can’t fit the whole biscuit try grinding it into a powder and pouring it in.

Three fingers

Keeping your meat hooks in your pockets can make you look scruffy and unprofessional. Luckily women’s pockets are so small they can’t accommodate whole hands, but there’s enough room for three fingers if your nails are chewed down to stubs.

Half an iPhone

But only up to iPhone 8. All larger and subsequent iPhones are too large to accommodate. Simply carry a large bag with you at all times instead, or wedge into a back jeans pocket for ease of removal and theft.

A stamp

No half measures with this one. Simply peel your first or second class stamp out if its little booklet and pop it straight in. Can hold as many as 18, all ruined and unusable.

Hair grips

Hard to say how many will fit in a woman’s pocket. But considering the amount that are lying around it must be a ton, or they are perhaps produced in some way.

A swatch of graphene

With a thickness of just 3.4 angstroms, there’s no reason you can’t step out with a small swatch of miracle material graphene in your pocket. What’s more, the single-atom sheet of graphite won’t ruin your contour.

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Secret to success is ability to function with hangover

A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover. 

The Institute for Studies found that across different professions, class backgrounds and genders, the most consistent achievers were those who could still do stuff the day after getting shitfaced.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We looked for patterns. And found that from the garage mechanic who ends up running the place to the barrister who becomes a judge, it’s always because their shaking hands can keep it together.

“One subject rated far below his colleagues in skill and intelligence, but because he was still able to take calls and get through meetings when they couldn’t, he’s the pisshead CEO of a major hedge fund.

“They make better parents, more sensible decisions about houses and cars, and stay in education despite having banging f**king headaches every day.

“Einstein confronted the life-shattering dread of a hangover and understood the universe. Churchill won a world war with his pulsing head in his hands. Steve Jobs only invented touchscreens because keyboard noise was causing him pain.

“They truly are life’s winners.”