Doctors refuse to see anyone who arrives with a fag and a can of Monster

DOCTORS will no longer see patients who arrive with a cigarette in one hand and an energy drink in the other.

After it emerged that lifestyle-related illness costs the NHS £11bn per year, doctors said the public could at least put down their can of Monster for long enough to have their pulse checked.

Doctor Tom Logan said: “I’d say around 60 per cent of my patients rock up to my surgery with a lit cigarette and a Monster, then demand to know why they aren’t feeling tip-top.

“At least put them in the bin outside. This will still be a charade but at least it’s slightly less depressing.”

However Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve actually got a doctor’s note I bought off the internet saying I need to have Monster and fags at all times, otherwise it affects my mental health.

“Monster and fags are the nearest things I have to a religion.”

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New Labour leader to bring fresh energy and ideas to troubled party

LABOUR’s new leader has been hailed as an exciting step forward for the party.

Although an unknown commodity, newly elected young firebrand Jeremy Corbyn has been hailed as a bold choice who will unite the divided party behind his bold and charismatic political vision.

Labour member Roy Hobbs said: “The last guy, whose name I can’t even remember, was a bit of a disaster.

“Then this Jeremy Corbyn came out of nowhere, like Christ emerging from the desert, and just wowed us with his captivating oratory.

“Now I feel like anything is possible. It’s a new dawn.”

43-year-old Mary Fisher said: “Jeremy is the man we’ve been waiting for all these years and I cannot wait to see what happens next.”

She added: “I’m a Tory.”