Drink-Uber limit lowered

THE legal blood-alcohol level for Uber users has been lowered after serious damage to passenger ratings.

Previously set at 38 units or around fourteen pints and a chaser, the limit has been lowered to five pints after Uber users woke to find their rating had been reduced to two stars by a single disastrous journey.

Tom Logan of Hampstead said: “I remember getting in the car, finding the seatbelt thing then slapping myself in the face with it because it seemed funny. I opened a bag of Quavers but it split and they fucked out all over the floor.

“I was on my knees trying to pick them up while explaining, unprompted, the plot of my favourite Japanese horror movie.

“When I booked an Uber the next day, nothing. For eight hours I was stranded at the kerb, a victim of my own drunken recklessness.

“I now go around schools, warning them not to be like me.”

Uber driver Norman Steele said: “I drive you, but also I judge you and decide whether you have the freedom of the city.

“Stay upright, say please and thank you, don’t try to open the door with your forehead. These are all achievable things.”

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Tories are like that precisely because nobody kissed them

THE Conservative party is founded on lonely nights at school discos, it has emerged. 

Fans of the ‘Never Kissed a Tory’ movement have been warned that they may be bolstering the party’s ranks by depriving social misfits of affection.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Conservatives of both sexes, emerging from school discos unkissed, take revenge on their peers by increasing tuition fees, banning drugs and ensuring they can never afford to move out of their parents’ houses.

“Tories go through adolescence watching other boys and girls kiss those they fancy, becoming increasingly bitter and power-obsessed.

“Kissing a Tory will never be pleasant, but it is often the only way to change them. The more kisses a person receives, the more left-wing they become.

“Hence, on one end of the scale, we have Jeremy Corbyn, ‘The Commie Casanova’. And on the other end, Eric Pickles.”

Schoolmates of Iain Duncan Smith recall seeing him on the sidelines at his public school’s disco, sipping his Tizer and slyly writing names in a notebook while the other boys danced and snogged to Cliff Richard.

Iain Duncan Smith said: “My wife and I not believe in kissing, because it is unhygienic. I sometimes permit her to kiss a specially prepared area of my neck that I outline in Biro.”