Children’s books designed to make adults sound like idiots

CHILDREN’S books are written specifically to make the adults reading them aloud sound like idiots, it has emerged.

Parents have been led to believe that the endless repetition of infantile words and phrases is crucial for child development. However, children’s writers have admitted that their work is designed to create embarrassment when read aloud.

Helen Archer, author of titles including Algernon Carbuncle’s Splendiferous Unicorn Zoo,Uncle Splunkle Wunkle and Ishy Wishy The Squishy Fishy, said: “Like all children’s authors, I haven’t got a clue about children and don’t even like them.

“I just write down any old shit that sounds stupid or rhymes, then get my husband to read it out to me.

“If he sounds like an absolute bellend or it’s so annoying to listen to that I want to kick myself in the face, I know I’m onto a winner because kids love to see their parents humiliated.

Father of three Nathan Muir commented: “Reading a children’s book aloud is a humiliating task, especially as I feel like a bad parent if I’m not doing it in the style of a coked-up Blue Peter presenter.

“I try changing the most inane parts but somehow they always fucking know.”

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Matt Le Blanc to begin sexual relationship with The Stig

NEW Top Gear host Matt Le Blanc is to begin secretly dating The Stig behind Chris Evans’s back, insiders have revealed. 

The former Heinz Tomato Ketchup advert star will first kiss The Stig’s visor while driving at 115mph on the Nurburgring. 

A BBC spokesman said: “The core of the show has always been a homosexual love triangle with two worldly middle-aged men and a dungeon gimp – cars and xenophobia are just there to provide a backdrop.

“The romance between Le Blanc and the androgynous Stig begins slowly, but by the end of the series they’re testing how roomy the Kia Soul is with some helmets-on humping in the back seat.

“Evans pretends to be cool with it but he starts texting Jamiroquai behind Le Blanc’s back and it all ends tragically with a white Ferrari plunging into the Thames.”