Greece split over future of Kraken

GREECE’S left-wing leader has said he would never unleash the Kraken and called for the monster to be phased out.

The country’s kraken defence programme has long divided Greeks between those who believe it is a costly anachronism and those who say it provides security against attacks by enemy titans.

Prime minister Alexis Tsipras said: “Every year the Kraken consumes dozens of virgins, sacrifices that would be much better made to help improve our health service, or public transport infrastructure.

“If we ever did release it, could we even control it? Or would it just start stuffing innocent bystanders into its vast glistening maw then slither up a skyscraper?”

However shopkeeper Vangelis Petridis said: “The kraken creates hundreds of jobs in the construction industry by flailing about and knocking temples over with its tentacles.

“It is also vital to our security. Yes, the Trojan War has ended, but we know that rogue states such as Atlantis are working to develop their own sea monster?

“And who is to say what the Persians will get up to over the next twenty years?”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve been spending most your life livin’ in a gangster’s paradise but there are excellent transport links and some nice shops there these days.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tomorrow you’re outraged to discover that smoking is banned in prison these days. That’s it then, you’re definitely not going. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
As a teen, you loved those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books, your favourite one being Put The Book Down & Get Pissed On The Municipal Golf Course.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a water sign, you are primarily made of piss and vinegar.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Like Rocky, you’re training by punching a side of beef and running up and down steps. Unlike Rocky, you’re training for your accountancy exams. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After months of DIY your house is really beginning to take shape. It’s the shape of a sandcastle after a dog’s sat on it, but still.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re doing really well at your reading group. They’ve moved you up to the yellow books, and if you finish two this week you’ll get a lolly. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Saturday it turns out that it doesn’t matter how many frequent flyer miles you’ve got, the pilot still won’t let you have a go. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Monday sees you step on the head of a snake but, rather than sending you back to where you used to be, it bites you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A tough week for Sagittarians, as it’s discovered that your star sign isn’t a centaur at all but a vinegar-based salad dressing. It’s nice – light, good with rocket – but it’s a dressing.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant.