Psychics still a thing

PSYCHICS are still in existence despite the fact it is 2016.

A recent report revealed that not only are psychics still operating, but many of them are making even more money than you are from your comparatively honest job.

Self-styled psychic Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s a piece of piss.

“People phone up for an appointment, I do a quick google search on them before they arrive, and then I basically say ‘everything will turn out alright’ in different ways over the course of an hour while referencing a few of their Facebook friends.

“I wear a lot of purple and have massive earrings, which makes me look mystical.”

Moron Martin Bishop said: “My psychic is wonderful.

“So far she has told me that I will be going on a journey of some significance, and lo and behold that very Thursday my company sent me to a conference in Guildford to discuss modern fireplace design.

“Nobody could have predicted that without some kind of supernatural gift.”

Starfish washes up on beach and gets carried around in dog’s mouth

A DEAD starfish has washed up on a Norfolk beach, where it is being carried around by a dog.

Less than a week after a whale washed up on its shore, the corpse of a beige hand-sized starfish was discovered by walkers who have been unable to get it back off their dog.

36-year-old dog owner Martin Bishop said: “The star is as much a miracle of nature as a whale, and when they expire you want them to have dignity in death, or at least not to get carried around by a labrador.”

Bishop’s dog Ranger is thus far refusing to give up the echinoderm’s remains.

He said: “He lets me get almost near enough to grab it, then whips it away and runs off with his tail wagging.

“It’s all a game to him but I just feel that starfish somehow deserves better.”