Psychics still a thing

PSYCHICS are still in existence despite the fact it is 2016.

A recent report revealed that not only are psychics still operating, but many of them are making even more money than you are from your comparatively honest job.

Self-styled psychic Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s a piece of piss.

“People phone up for an appointment, I do a quick google search on them before they arrive, and then I basically say ‘everything will turn out alright’ in different ways over the course of an hour while referencing a few of their Facebook friends.

“I wear a lot of purple and have massive earrings, which makes me look mystical.”

Moron Martin Bishop said: “My psychic is wonderful.

“So far she has told me that I will be going on a journey of some significance, and lo and behold that very Thursday my company sent me to a conference in Guildford to discuss modern fireplace design.

“Nobody could have predicted that without some kind of supernatural gift.”

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Starfish washes up on beach and gets carried around in dog’s mouth

A DEAD starfish has washed up on a Norfolk beach, where it is being carried around by a dog.

Less than a week after a whale washed up on its shore, the corpse of a beige hand-sized starfish was discovered by walkers who have been unable to get it back off their dog.

36-year-old dog owner Martin Bishop said: “The star is as much a miracle of nature as a whale, and when they expire you want them to have dignity in death, or at least not to get carried around by a labrador.”

Bishop’s dog Ranger is thus far refusing to give up the echinoderm’s remains.

He said: “He lets me get almost near enough to grab it, then whips it away and runs off with his tail wagging.

“It’s all a game to him but I just feel that starfish somehow deserves better.”