Men spend most of lives imagining they are manager of favourite football team with an unlimited budget

MEN spend 60 per cent of their lives daydreaming about managing their favourite football team with unlimited money to spend on players, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that men spend up to 14 hours per day imagining they are an unrealistically powerful football manager.

Kitchen designer Tom Logan said: “In my mind I am Swindon Town Manager with half a billion in fifties on my desk. Lukaku, Bony, Cahill and Fabregas, they’d be the first through the door.

“I’d bring in that woman who got sacked by Chelsea as the physio and I’d hire my mate Martin as assistant manager.

“It’s what occupies my brain while I am sat at my computer, talking to customers or at a restaurant with my wife.”

Staring blankly at his monitor, he continued:  “We’d play five across the middle and one up front but the playmaker would have to get in close to the forward at all times.

“I’d take them all the way to the Champions League Final and they’ll name the new stand the ‘Tom Logan’s End’ and they’d have a statue of me outside the ground of me lifting the Premier League trophy.”

He added: “I often get my best football manager ideas while at funerals.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Savoury pancakes are bullshit, says Pope

THE Pope has officially proclaimed that God did not intend anyone to eat savoury pancakes. 

The papal brief, issued by the Vatican this morning, explicitly says that the consumption of tomatoes, ham, chickpeas or goat’s cheese on a pancake is a mortal sin. 

The Pope said: “Lemon and sugar, all these are holy, and golden syrup, and the syrup of the maple tree. 

“And let it be known that those who favour honey, Nutella or even blueberries if you absolutely must have committed no crime against the goodness of the Lord. 

“But the man who leavens his pancake with mushrooms, with ricotta or with broccoli is an abomination in God’s sight, and must beg His mercy or burn forever in the lake of fire.”

Catholic Mary Fisher said: “I knew everyone else was unclean and I was absolutely and indisputably right all along. 

“It’s great being a Catholic.”