Drinkers demand cure for arsehole alcohol personality

DRINKERS have demanded a cure for the weird and aggressive personality that seems to take over when they are extremely pissed.

Alcohol lovers would like a scientific breakthrough that prevents them turning into belligerent twats who argue about nonsense that is mostly in their own head.

Norman Steele said: “I drink too much a really unpleasant other me comes out. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde, if Mr Hyde was a massive knob.

“Once I had a blazing row with my friend Paul because I kept insisting all superhero films were shit. I was quite nasty to him and I actually like superhero films.

“Scientists should invent a pill that makes you rational again when you’re pissed. I bet it would stop you going on futile odysseys to score drugs too.”

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “They could invent one for being pissed and maudlin while they’re at it. I think I really brought everyone down that time I decided life was meaningless and I needed to cry for an hour.”

Neuroscientist Roy Hobbs said: “Alcohol causes cognitive malfunction and impaired ‘fight or flight’ responses, which is why I took my trousers off and offered to fight everyone on Friday.”

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Nobody sure why status updates shouting at them

NO-ONE is sure why status updates on Facebook are now shouting at them.

People using Facebook this weekend noticed that some updates without links to things are now put in a larger font, making it look like you’ve accidentally double tapped the screen on your phone.

Facebook user Stephen Malley said: “Fuck knows why they’ve done it.

“When it was smaller I didn’t quite realise how much shit people were talking but now that it’s massive it really is noticeable.

A guy I used to work with drunkenly posted something about the Man United game last night and because of the new bigger font it was like getting yelled at in the street by a football hooligan.”

A spokesperson for Facebook said, “This new larger font has nothing to do with the fact Mark Zuckerberg recently lost his glasses.

But if any one does find a pair of plain grey readers anywhere they should hand them into head office.”