Drunk people sleeping like babies

DRUNK people sleep so well they are often late for work, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found that someone who has had eight pints, four mojitos, a couple of Bacardi Breezers and a cheeky wee whisky is usually out like a light and could sleep through a tornado.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research involved getting Brian, my research assistant, very drunk using a bottle of port, some delicious pear cider and a big jug of a cocktail that I call ‘vodka ‘n’ coke ‘n’ gin’.

“After about four hours he began to slump over on his right hand side before stretching out and making himself comfortable on the sofa. We then all stood around him shouting ‘Brian! Brian! Wake up! Brian!’.

“Eventually we had to check he hadn’t died.”

Professor Brubaker added: “It’s been suggested that drunk people feel tired the next day because they have not slept well. But we found that this feeling of sluggishness is in fact caused by all the booze. It would appear that large quantities of alcohol can cause dehydration, leading to fatigue and a pounding headache. We have termed this phenomenon a ‘hangover’. Perhaps it will catch on.”

Tom Logan, an experienced drunk from Finsbury Park, said: “The only thing that usually disturbs my sleep is the cab driver shouting, ‘Oi! Arsehole! Is this where you live?’.

“Last Tuesday morning I woke up at 10.30am on my doorstep. The cab driver had obviously dragged me up the path and then used my jacket to make a little pillow, before taking a £20 note from my bag and leaving the correct change in a small pile in the middle of my chest.”

He added: “Thank you mystery cab driver, that was really nice of you.”

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am really worried about my youngest son. He's only 15 but I think him and his friends might be drinking alcohol and smoking wacky cigarettes. He used to be such a darling boy, who took a keen interest in sport, as well as being a popular and active younger member of our church. Now all he does is slouch about in ill-fitting clothing with a permanent scowl on his face. He refuses to attend church with myself and my husband, and has even begun denying the existence of God. I've tried singing hymns to him and leaving post-it notes containing advisory passages from the Bible around the house, but I think Satan may already have him in his evil grasp. What do you suggest?

Dear Norma,
I think I know what's wrong with your son. It appears he's gone pubic. My big sister went pubic a couple of years ago and since then she's taken on a whole new scary personality. I generally try to avoid her these days because she likes to take her new violent streak out on me. She never wants to play teddy bears' picnic anymore because she says it's gay, whatever that means, and she won't let me in her room to play at all anymore. I was raking through her top drawer once, trying to find hidden sweets, and came across a box of strange, lollipops which explode in your mouth. They didn't taste very nice but they make ideal bouyancy aids for Barbie when she goes swimming. I asked my mummy when my sister will be nice again, and she said probably never. So unfortunately, I think you'll have to get used to the idea that your son is pubic and/or possessed by the devil, and move on with your lives.
Hope that helps!