Drunk people sleeping like babies

DRUNK people sleep so well they are often late for work, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found that someone who has had eight pints, four mojitos, a couple of Bacardi Breezers and a cheeky wee whisky is usually out like a light and could sleep through a tornado.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research involved getting Brian, my research assistant, very drunk using a bottle of port, some delicious pear cider and a big jug of a cocktail that I call ‘vodka ‘n’ coke ‘n’ gin’.

“After about four hours he began to slump over on his right hand side before stretching out and making himself comfortable on the sofa. We then all stood around him shouting ‘Brian! Brian! Wake up! Brian!’.

“Eventually we had to check he hadn’t died.”

Professor Brubaker added: “It’s been suggested that drunk people feel tired the next day because they have not slept well. But we found that this feeling of sluggishness is in fact caused by all the booze. It would appear that large quantities of alcohol can cause dehydration, leading to fatigue and a pounding headache. We have termed this phenomenon a ‘hangover’. Perhaps it will catch on.”

Tom Logan, an experienced drunk from Finsbury Park, said: “The only thing that usually disturbs my sleep is the cab driver shouting, ‘Oi! Arsehole! Is this where you live?’.

“Last Tuesday morning I woke up at 10.30am on my doorstep. The cab driver had obviously dragged me up the path and then used my jacket to make a little pillow, before taking a £20 note from my bag and leaving the correct change in a small pile in the middle of my chest.”

He added: “Thank you mystery cab driver, that was really nice of you.”