UK X-Files Confirm British Cretins Among Best In World

MINISTRY of Defence files detailing decades of UFO sightings have confirmed that Britain's imbeciles are as good as anyone's, including America's.

The previously classified records reveal the strength and depth of Britain's cretinosity, as well as setting out a variety of explanations for the alleged alien sightings, including experimental aircraft, freak weather conditions and Norfolk.

The papers document some of Britain's most notorious UFO cases including the 'Rendlesham Incident', the 'Bovingdon Oddity' and the 'Kimblewick Unpleasantness' of 1978.

One report, from 1995, describes how two children from Bovingdon, in Hertfordshire, were almost lured onto a helicopter-shaped spacecraft by an alien who 'could walk backwards but made it look like he was walking forwards'.

According to the files: "The translucent creature called to them in a melodic falsetto and was only scared off after a local farmer threatened to report him and his pet monkey to the police."

Experts have noted that reports of flying saucers increased when The X-Files and Independence Day were popular, suggesting a strong link between delusional, mitten-wearing bedsit-dwellers, 12th-rate science fiction and wasting police time.

Ufologist Charlie Reeves said: "The government has simply confirmed the existence of a huge conspiracy to hide the evidence of alien intelligence by releasing every scrap of information they have to the public in an easy-to-open PDF format."

A Ministry of Defence spokesman added: "Britain's best selling paper is The Sun, the best selling author is Tom Clancy and the most popular DJ is Chris Moyles.

"I'm amazed half the country don't shit their breeks every time they see a pelican crossing."

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Mandelson Pledges To Support Geffen Yacht Dream

LORD Mandelson has promised tough action on illegal downloaders in a bid to help close friend David Geffen achieve his dream of owning the world's four biggest yachts.

The business secretary believes people who download music they will never listen to anyway should be arrested at gunpoint in the middle of the night before falling down some stairs in a police station.

He said: "Ever since he was a child, David has dreamed about owning the world's four biggest yachts. He dreamed about decorating them in sapphires and having them staffed by rare snow leopards who had been trained to serve canapés.

"But downloaders are stealing that dream to the extent that he may be forced to own merely the world's biggest and third biggest yacht, and that one doesn't even have its own space shuttle. Not a pink one anyway. Not bright pink."

He added: "It's vital we pass the legislation as soon as possible so that he gives me a fabulous, high-paying job when this pile of shit finally goes tits up next spring."

A spokesman for Geffen Records said: "Every time you download a track illegally you're stealing a tiny fragment of one of the diamonds in David's massive pile of diamonds that just sits in a big heap in one of the enormous houses he doesn't even know he's got.

"Do you really want that on your conscience? What do you think Kurt Cobain would say if he was still alive?"

He added: "Actually, that's a rhetorical question. We spoke to Kurt via a psychic and he said 'Don't download music for free. Buy some CD albums and singles instead because they're really cool and feature the stuff you want, like 'radio edits' and 'exclusive live versions' of songs you're already got'.

"So there you are."