Echinacea proves 100% effective against ghosts

HERBAL remedy Echinacea is infallible when used against malevolent wraiths trapped between this world and the next, according to new research.

Just two droplets within a chalk circle can destroy evil and terrifying spirits up to and including level four on the Breville-Hawkins Ghostometer.

The Institute for Studies conducted a series of rigorous tests at creepy locations, including old mental hospitals and banks built on plague pits, where demonic things were known to be present.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This is an invaluable tool for fighting the forces of darkness.

“Scientifically speaking, the echinacea contains millions of teeny little angels, called kelphers. Their tiny, smiling faces and flapping gossamer wings are clearly visible under a good microscope.

“In the presence of an evil entity, like for example the ghost of a medieval monk who liked to drink children’s blood, the kelphers will fly at the spirit and attach themselves to its sinuses, causing instant blockage and subsequent retreat.

“It’s really quite remarkable.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “This just confirms my belief that traditional exorcism simply doesn’t work. It’s just a big money-making industry for priests.

“My eldest was possessed by the spirit of a disgruntled Hopi Indian chief last spring. I put a few drops of echinacea on his pillow and the writhing and speaking in tongues had stopped within a week.

“He still wants a tomahawk for Christmas, but overall I’d give it eight out of 10.”


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Pope to shoehorn Jesus into airport chaos story

POPE Benedict will somehow manage to crowbar Jesus into the airport chaos story when he delivers tomorrow’s Thought for the Day on Radio Four.

The Pontiff will tell the Today programme audience that being stranded at an international hub is a bit like one of the things Jesus went through or had an opinion about.

He will say: “This week thousands of people have had their travel plans disrupted by the bad weather. This harsh December reminds me of my childhood when the bitter northern wind would blow and all we had to keep us warm was a large pile of books written by communists and Jews.

“But of course Jesus never saw snow, because he lived in Galilee where the average temperature at this time of year is a balmy 22 degrees centigrade. Although now he lives in heaven where he will be able to see the snow falling from above the clouds. I wonder what that looks like?

“However, I suspect if he was trapped in terminal three, waiting for an EL AL flight to Tel Aviv to spend Christmas with his mum, he would have reflected on the hectic pace of modern life, with its jet travel, its chai tea lattes and its 24-hour media full of hysterical nonsense about kiddy fiddling that he would have had the good sense to take with a hefty pinch of salt.

“And after delivering these observations via the Heathrow tannoy system, I imagine Jesus would have then wandered among the huddled passengers, looking at them intently with his serene but piercing blue eyes before touching them in a very special way.

“And of course, it almost goes without saying that he would also have spent a good 20 minutes in the bogs putting gaffer tape across the coins slots in all the johnny bag machines.”

The Pope will add: “And so it is at this special time of year particularly when we remember that badly run, snow-bound airports and Jesus are really the same thing.”

The Pontiff only agreed to the Today guest spot after BBC executives promised to use special technology to prevent the broadcast being picked up by Britain’s homosexual radios.

A BBC spokesman said: “He wasn’t so fussed about the atheists as he reckons he can use the invisible waves to beam some high-strength voodoo right into the middle of their kitchens.”