Everyone secretly addicted to 35p non-brand energy drinks

EVERYONE in Britain is secretly drinking 15-20 cans of cheap, unbranded energy drinks a day, it has been confirmed.

Researchers confirmed that everyone from the ages of 13 to 70 is wildly addicted to the ‘knock off’ drinks and they would not be able to run around like a maniac all day without them.

Teenager Wayne Hayes said, “Being 14 can be pretty laborious sometimes, so I need a huge caffeine boost to get me through the day.

Usually one in the morning, a few more over lunch, then four or five on the way home from school. Then one with my tea and a couple before bed.”

Office worker Mary Fisher said: “Several cups of strong coffee a day just wasn’t enough caffeine for me so the extra half-dozen cans of energy drink as well is really giving me that extra kick that I need.

“Most nights I fall asleep about five o’clock in the morning. I suppose I’m just quite an energetic person.”

The energy drinks are even being consumed by cash-conscious pensioners. Roy Hobbs said: “35p would have been cheap when I was a kid and I’m nearly 100 years old now – thanks to regular exercise, not smoking and drinking lots of unbranded energy drinks.”


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Huge spider in no way more scared of you than you are of it

A MASSIVE spider has confirmed that it is in no way more scared of you than you are of it, so you best just keep walking.

Spider Tom Booker made the announcement to his human ‘housemate’ Julian Cook after appearing in his bathroom this morning.

Booker said: “I’m a massive spider who traps and kills things before devouring their corpses. My skeleton is on the outside of my body, like something out of a messed up horror computer game.

“My life is a short, brutal struggle to devour or be devoured.

So you can keep telling yourself that I’m scared of you or just look into my cold, black eyes and realise that is total bullshit.

“I’ve already laid loads of eggs in your pillow.”

Cook said:I was going to hit it with a hammer. But then I run the risk of the spider getting the hammer and that really is the thing of nightmares.

“It’s probably easier if I just move out.”