Fat People Squashing NHS Equipment

THE NHS is in imminent danger of collapse because skilled staff and vital equipment are being squashed flat by obese people, a new report warns. 

Almost 400 doctors and more than 1,000 nurses have died already this year after becoming trapped under giant people demanding treatment for fat related ailments such as heavy sweating.

One entire hospital disappeared into a giant hole earlier this week after an obese family of four were admitted at the same time complaining that their fridge was empty when the building was already overburdened with giant patients.

Sir Derek Wanless, the author of the report, said there was not a single functioning chair left in a hospital or doctor's waiting room because all had buckled under the weight of enormous patients.

He said: “Our only hope now is that these huge bastards become so fat that they cannot get in through the doors of our hospitals and surgeries and so will die in the street like dogs. Otherwise we are buggered.”

Sir Derek said the best possible outcome for the NHS was that most people became so fat they imploded under their own weight leaving a jellied mess on the floor which could easily be swept into the gutters.

Until then he suggested a number of emergency proposals to cope with the current crisis including:

  • All fat people to stand all the time when on NHS property to prevent them destroying any new chairs or beds.

  • All fat people attending hospital to stay in the basement and stand in balanced groups to prevent any sudden movement by one of them from tipping a building onto its side.

  • Every hospital in Britain to be covered in bubble wrap to prevent further accidental damage from collisions with enormous people.

  • Fat people to be banned from using ambulances to prevent axle damage.

Sir Derek said: “We are going to make the bastards walk to get their treatments, they will lose some weight on the way or expire on the journey. Either way it’s a win-win situation for the NHS.”

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Facebook Distracting Workers From Underpaid, Soul-Destroying Tedium, Says CBI

SOCIAL networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace are distracting office workers from the hellish, brain-curdling reality that is their shabby, predictable and ultimately meaningless lives, according to a new report from the Confederation of British Industry.

The CBI is concerned that surfing the internet is preventing workers from reaching financial targets that will bring them no measurable benefits, but will swell executive bonuses by up to 220% a year.

They are calling on the government to introduce legislation that will ban workers from thinking about the slightest hint of a possibility that life may not in fact be a relentlessly nauseating sea of shit.

Meryl Blears, a 28 year-old financial assistant from Swindon, said: "I like Facebook because it gives me hope that one day I'll have actual conversations with people who don't secretly want to kill themselves."

Kate Braff, 22, from Bristol, added: "I like MySpace because I can see photographs of human beings enjoying things like fresh food and pets, rather than staring all day at a spreadsheet filled with my chief executive's brothel expenses."

Brian Greatbatch, 36, from Bedford, said: "So far this year my boss has spent about 45 minutes at his desk and that was because he wanted to redesign his office before ordering a snooker table for his boat.

"On the way out he told me that if I wanted to look at Facebook I should quit my job, become a drug addict, lose my house and end up begging for money so that I could buy a cup of coffee in an internet cafe and stand behind someone who was looking at Facebook.

"Then he hit me on the head with his shoe. It's men like him who are keeping the Chinese at bay."